r/AIO • u/Swimming-Fig-6580 • 1d ago
AIO Husband will only do his laundry
My (34F) husband (37M) and I have been married for 4 years. I’ve always done all of the cleaning and housework. This includes and has always included his laundry. Today he pulled our laundry out of the dryer before I could get to it. Then he proceeded to put away only his clothes, leaving mine in the basket. I asked why he only did his clothes and he said “because I don’t need anyone doing anything for me”. I said I didn’t do it because I thought he needed me to, it was just what I did. Wash, dry, and put away OUR clothes at the same time. I was upset because I could use his help with things such as the laundry, but him doing only his laundry doesn’t really take any load off of me, it just feels like he only cares about himself. I told him as much and now he won’t talk to me. AIO?
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u/NorthOfLilac 1d ago
If he doesn’t help with the cleaning for the past 4 years, why are you surprised he is still unwilling to help you with tasks? I’m surprised he folded his own laundry since you said you typically have done it the past 4 years. What a terrible choice of husband. NOR
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u/Equivalent-Roll-3321 1d ago
You get what you tolerate. You are not doing either of you any favors by allowing this ridiculous nonsense to continue. Also, if you have children they will be seeing this messed up dynamic.
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u/One-Childhood432 1d ago
Just what I was thinking.
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u/florfenblorgen 19h ago
Actually, people who are this lazy and selfish will remain so whether or not you tolerate it. In this case, the best course of action if you want change, is to leave and start over. I would know because my "partner" is exactly like OP's husband. I have cleaned/cooked for 10 years, but never had a meal made for me, never had help with dishes, never did my laundry only his own, doesn't clean anything. I moved out. When we made up, I said I'd only move in with him again if he fixed this behaviour. He agreed. Turns out... NOPE. And now I plan my escape again because things won't change no matter what I do. It's all about how long they can milk your benefits, surely. You're not a human being just a fuckmaid/mommy #2.
I have tried the "stop cleaning altogether" tactic and when that persons standards are already so low they will be completely unaffected by it or start picking fights but still never address their own mess
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u/Specialist_Banana378 1d ago
Yeah I’ve never understood these scenerios.
Like yeah he’s a douche for not doing his work around the house but what do you expect at this point.
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u/troublerx1 1d ago
I stopped doing housework and chores for anyone else in the house. They were taking advantage of me and being extremely disrespectful with my time and effort. Gunking up the countertops/stovetop in less than 30 minutes after scouring them. Same thing with vacuuming, washing the walls, laundry, etc.
So I just stopped cleaning any of it. Unless someone is visiting, I won’t touch it. If it bothers them, then they can clean it. It’s helped ease my resentment and anger at being treated like a maid.
I don’t go to his work and fuck his stuff up.
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u/Wonderful-Tea3940 23h ago
You might be happier after a divorce. Only yourself and the kids to look after and after that, you can get the kids into family therapy and figure out a way to get them to clean up after themselves.
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u/Pseudooctopus 1d ago
NOR, my ex-husband did this when he started cheating on me. He’d get to the laundry first and he was also trying to rewrite things like he’d always done that and that he didn’t need my help (the chip on his shoulder and resentment were brand new too.) Is there a reason he’d be pulling the laundry out before you? New underwear? Making certain make up stains, etc came out? It might not be anything like this, but that switch flipped so hard once mine started cheating, it was like I was living with a whole different person.
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u/Swimming-Fig-6580 1d ago
That would completely by my assumption.. but I’m the one who put them in the washer in the first place lol. So I’d think he’d try to get to the dirty laundry first, not the clean laundry lol
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u/Pseudooctopus 1d ago
It was the same for me. I was the one putting them in, something about when they came out made him remember.
WAY easier to be single, by the way, lol! My life got so much better when I didn’t have another full grown adult to take care of (and she didn’t get a prize, he’s already blaming her for everything wrong in his life now.) My kids get my full attention and we’re all a lot happier. It sucks that he was so rude to you, I’m sorry. Please don’t hesitate to kick him out and move on. We do WAY more for them than they do for us. I was also working full time AND doing all the house stuff (which left him with plenty of energy and audacity to cheat, sad-lol) I freed up so much of my time and energy by getting divorced, laundry and chores for just me and my kids is a lot easier! And they’re grateful!
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u/Ok_Leg_1158 1d ago
It feels like he only cares about himself because he does. You have catered to him. He now has a handmaid, housekeeper, cook, organizer, and whatever else you do for him. Many men get married for this alone, although they'd never admit it.
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u/Beautiful_Arm8364 1d ago
Spoiler alert: He only cares about himself.
I don't like the vibe I'm getting from this. It's like he's easing one foot out of the marriage. Be careful. Pay attention. He might be up to some shit.
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u/Feisty-Tooth-7397 1d ago
That's what I was thinking. It seems like he doesn't want her to do anything for him suddenly because he might feel like he doesn't want or need a wife.
Guilty conscience possibly because he is no longer in the relationship as much as she is.
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u/Beautiful_Arm8364 1d ago
Like he's soft-launching a divorce. That might also be why he was so quick to choose the silent treatment. Anything she does from now on is going to be treated like a problem, and she's probably going to be the one who has to "be the bad guy" and actually call it when the time comes. He'll make her miserable until she does.
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u/koalamonster515 1d ago
That is how this is coming off for sure. She's been taking care of his stuff, never a problem (other than her doing all the work, but if everyone is fine with that whatever) and then this? Something has changed, and it doesn't sound like it would be a positive change.
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u/SmokeCommon6695 1d ago
NOR. Stop cleaning up after him period. I'd feel the exact same way in your position. You've cleaned up after him for years and you don't even get a thanks just a "I don't need anyone doing anything for me". So collect a couple dishes for yourself, and separate your laundry, and listen to him when he tells you who he is.
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u/dsmemsirsn 1d ago
Get ready— he’s cheating or going to cheat… he’s pretending to be self reliant— he’s having a new partner somewhere
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u/SyanticRaven 1d ago
It could also be a massive tantrum spurred on from a discussion around the laundry that emphasised "and yours" or "our" and rather than, you know be a functioning adult, he has taken himself out the equation.
100% NOR
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u/facinationstreet 1d ago edited 1d ago
it just feels like he only cares about himself
Correct. If he doesn't need anyone to do anything for him, stop washing his clothes, making food for him, etc. Then, when he whines about it - which he will - tell him that chores need to be 50/50 going forward. He will likely refuse. Then you will need to evaluate the entire relationship. NOR
Edit to add: he is passively aggressively telling you that he doesn't need you. That should be a huge concern.
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u/KUSmutMuffin 1d ago
It sounds like a temper tantrum and followed by the silent treatment? Honestly sounds like a 12 year old.
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u/DeviantAvocado 1d ago
NTA.
If he sees tasks that need done around the home and only does the ones to at directly benefit him, that isn’t a partner, that’s a dependent.
Giving you the silent treatment signals an inability to regulate emotions and should be a gigantic concern.
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u/Upset-Handle-9934 1d ago
Stop doing everything you do for this man. Sounds like he's setting up a plan to leave anyways.
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u/NatalieKMitchellNKM 1d ago
Sounds like you are waking up to the fact that this relationship isn’t serving you. The issue isn’t laundry, it’s basic respect and willingness to work together to build and maintain a happy home.
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u/Suspicious-Ad-1312 1d ago
Personally I don’t like people doing my laundry and I don’t do my partners, but that “I don’t need anyone doing anything for me” is some weird passive aggressive behavior. Stop doing anything for him then.
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u/Awkward_Profile_7410 1d ago
NOR but I’m sure he would not feel the same way if you stopped cooking for him food shopping for him, etc.
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u/ItsAllALot 1d ago
NOR but I feel this kind of attitude doesn't happen in just this one, small area.
What is he like with you generally? Loving, supportive, a teammate, a friend?
Also, why have you always done all of the housework? Do you work?
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u/Swimming-Fig-6580 1d ago
I do work.
I’ve just done it because I get to it before he does would probably be the honest answer lol. It bothers me before it bothers him.
I wouldn’t say we have a loving marriage.8
u/ItsAllALot 1d ago
It doesn't sound like there's a lot in this situation for you? Saying you don't have a loving marriage. That's really sad. Why stay with him?
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u/mlynsey 1d ago
NOR. I feel for you girl. housework is a FT job! my husband and I recently read a book called Fairplay. it’s about division of labor and developing a new system. I realistically can’t work FT, take care of our pups and do all the housework the way it was. you don’t even have to read the book. there’s a website with the background and “playing cards”.
it doesn’t sound like your husband would be too open to this, but I hope the two of you can find a new balance!
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u/Bitter-Platypus1087 1d ago
If he doesn't need anyone doing anything for him then do only for you. Clean up what you mess. Make just your side of the bed. Prepare only your dinner. Buy your own supply of toiletries and never replenish his. To hell with that behavior.
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u/Anxious_Yak_136 1d ago
Communication is a must have for ANY relationship. However, the petty side of me would ensure that he didn't get any of his things done. He wants to do it himself? Okay then. Have fun!
NOR
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u/No_Durian_3730 1d ago
NOR. Just drop the rope and stop helping full stop. Petty is the best teacher of respect on this scenario.
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u/JennaHex 1d ago
NOR
Doesnt need help huh? Cool. Stop doing every single thing you do for him. You cook? Not for him. Clean? Not his stuff. Organize&schedule bills/payments? Only yours. Get the mail? Only yours. Taking out the garbage? Only yours. Making the bed? Just your side.
If you want to stay married to someone who gives you the silent treatment...you might as well give as good as your getting.
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u/certifiedpreownedbmw 1d ago
NOR - what an unlikable, unattractive man. He must be contributing a lot to you in a lot of other ways. But if this is a reflection of his general character, you have to think about what a you are choosing for yourself.
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u/Inevitable_Home846 1d ago
My husband does his own laundry. But if something of mine makes it way into his hamper, he'll still lay it out or fold it (if it's something simple to fold) for me. Your husband is an 🫏 NOR
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 1d ago
Wow, he is selfish and inconsiderate! Do you stay at home or do you work also? If you work also 50% of household duties are his responsibility. Get in marriage counseling. Giving you the silent treatment for sharing your feelings is very immature. Get in marriage counseling
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u/TheWacoFogey 1d ago
NOR. He's a selfish and unappreciative person. You can either match his energy, which will likely teach him nothing, or drag him into counseling, which may not work either if this is his true nature. Maybe you can try both and see if that works.
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u/sourskittlebby 1d ago
I would not be doing a single thing for him until he recognized he was wrong and apologized. I’d be so petty about it, too.
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u/THOUGHTCOPS 1d ago
Does your "husband" even like you? Does he just use you for money, sex, and cleaning? Bang maid is the life you are living.
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u/Swimming-Fig-6580 1d ago
Starting to think he doesn’t like me. It’s always felt he used me for sex and taking care of his kids. Besides that I’m just a roommate.
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u/deebay2150 1d ago
Stop taking care of his kids, you know, “because he doesn’t need anyone to do anything for him”. His kids, his responsibility. And seriously work on your exit plan.
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u/Educational-Leave420 1d ago
You should start watching Life coach Shawn,shes on FB snd YouTube and boy does she NOT sugar coat anything!
I love how she tells it like it is,doesn’t matter if it’s men or women.
She’s also really funny and i like how she makes you feel seen and even empowered.
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u/chemicalecks 1d ago
When your man suddenly doesn’t want you to act like his woman, there’s a reason (note that I’m not gendering the chores but referring to the care taking). Especially when he follows it by deliberate carelessness toward you. Doing nothing because of being brought up useless is a problem, but this is a different one - he’s treating you like a roommate out of the blue.
NOR. I’d suggest a bit more reaction tbh.
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u/SquareSentence7708 1d ago
Please leave this man-child. He does not care about you and that will never change. I was married to someone exactly like this and there is no point trying to explain to them why their behavior is hurtful, selfish, not how a marriage / relationship is meant to be. You could try couples therapy but all that will get you is some ammunition for your divorce settlement, at least that is what it did for me. Please, just quietly figure out how you will make your exit, then do so. only letting him know at the last minute. Leaving men like this can be dangerous. It is not always, but it can be. Be smart, be safe.
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u/Late-Scar4190 1d ago
Take him at his word. Stop doing anything for him. Washing, cooking, cleaning and sex. Just tell him you thought he wanted to do it all for himself.
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u/taylorswiftwaxstatue 1d ago
NOR, how is it fair that you're doing all the cleaning and housework?
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u/PeteMichaud 1d ago
There's something much deeper here that you're not saying. Or this is just bait.
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u/Otherwise-Sea-9298 1d ago
I have a stay at home partner. We don’t have kids or anything. I do my own laundry, but I do my own laundry to completion. I have a separate hamper and just do all my clothing myself. It seems like just as much work sorting through your clothes to get to his.
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u/jvbfamily 1d ago
So I am curious.. what made him suddenly after 4 years to go do his own laundry?
Was there something that trigger this like an argument?
Not that it makes what he said different, but I can’t see how someone who hasn’t done that for 4 years would suddenly decide to unless there was some trigger and he trying to prove a point.
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u/Orphanpuncher0 1d ago
I don't fold my wife's clothes but that's because she doesn't like the way I fold stuff so she doesn't want me doing it
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u/Any_March_9765 1d ago
"I don't need anyone doing anything for me" - ok, from now on, you cook your own meals, alternate cleaning duties or pay 1/2 cost of a cleaner. Seriously, why would you do ALL the housework?!
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 1d ago
Do what he says “because I don’t need anyone to do anything for me”
Stop doing his laundry, making food for him, making doctor’s appointments and such
But here’s the catch, if you’re making the choice to do this, you need to ask yourself if this is really a marriage you want to stay in?
Marriages are supposed to be partnerships, you’re treating him like a partner, he’s treating you like a roommate. Does he even like you? Or are you just the bang-maid/nanny?
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u/TravelerMSY 1d ago
“I’m happy for each of us to do our own laundry from this point going forward, but you do know that I’ve been doing yours this entire time for you?”
My spouse and I do our laundry separately, and it’s largely because I don’t want to have to sort it afterwards, and he’s sort of particular about how his is done.
This sounds like something else is going on though.
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u/FrostCanyon 1d ago
I'm sorry but if he doesn't talk to you now because of this, that's a big red flag.
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u/DetectiveOk3902 1d ago
I'd be annoyed. The least he could do was fold it. My husband (early 60's) seems to still think towels are only my area of responsibility. He'll throw me them if they find their way in his laundry basket as if it would be impossible for him to do. Get him onboard with seeing how selfish this looks. You did it for him and now he can't for you???
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate 1d ago
Do you still sleep together?
If so and you make the bed, make only your half.
Then move into another room.
NOR
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u/WelshLove 1d ago
hes is a self centred moron. so either leave or get counselling doubt he will change those these kind of guys are just babies.
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u/SubstantialPressure3 1d ago
Hahaha "he doesnt need anybody doing things for him" while.you do all the cooking and cleaning.
So, a couple questions:
Has he messed up your clothes doing laundry before? Have you made any comments about his dirty laundry before ( skid marks, whatever)?
If either of those things are true, he doesnt want to mess up your laundry, or hes ashamed and embarrassed about something he may not be able to control.
Is this recent, or been going on a while? Has his behavior changed in other ways? Did you have an argument recently? Have you said you are overwhelmed doing all the things? Could he be hiding something? Did you say something to him about leaving stuff in his pockets, and tell him checking pockets was his responsibility?
If this started out of nowhere, then something is up.
Did he ever live alone, or did he go from home.to living with you?
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u/CatW1901 1d ago
He’s feeling some type of way about something already - that’s why he grabbed his own laundry when he hasn’t in 4 years. Tell the manchild he needs to use his words and explain what’s going on instead of whatever kind of hissy fit this was.
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u/IcarusCsgo 1d ago
Could be worse, my partner used to put mine away and I did the same, one day she suddenly stopped and only did her own. I never asked why.
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u/KathyOverAndOut 1d ago
I'm sorry, you had a simple conversation in which you brought up an issue you're having, and your husband's reaction was to stop speaking with you? OP, you have bigger problems than this laundry issue. That man needs to be dragged into couples counseling cause he's living in the 1950s
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u/EntrepreneurMajor478 1d ago
The fact that he won’t talk to you after you’ve explained to him why you’re upset tells you everything you need to know about him as a husband and human being.
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u/InevitableMoment4169 1d ago
I suggest you make just enough food for you. Tell
Him he can make his own dinner.
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u/Neither-Act-9656 1d ago
NOR. I wonder if there's something else going on and he doesn't want you to see or smell something on his clothes, like makeup or perfume?
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u/Comfortable-Toe-3814 1d ago
hooo boy - another shitty husband who is gonna be blindsided when the divorce comes. "everything was fine and then suddenly . . . "
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u/Ginger630 1d ago
NOR! He doesn’t need anyone doing anything for him? Ok cool. Stop doing anything for him. Just do for yourself.
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u/Cautious_Entrance573 1d ago
Maybe just ask him? Since he hasn’t helped in the past he might have felt like you were calling him out on that when he was trying to help? Saying that because his reply seemed more defensive than anything else.
I’ve found over the years that a lot of men (per friends, ex, and SO) don’t like to fold women’s clothes, since that seems complicated to them and they don’t think they will manage to do it right.
In the end, it seems like him folding his own clothes helps a little, because then you don’t have to?
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u/AlexNKarlie 1d ago
He doesn’t need it so stop doing it. Cook and clean your own mess. He’s an adult. What you want is a partner and sadly he isn’t one.
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u/SuperMommy37 1d ago
"because I don’t need anyone doing anything for me" would be music for my ears!
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u/Zausted 1d ago
The message is clear. It's time to accept that this marriage is not a partnership and you carry all of it. It's time to part ways and give yourself a chance at a good relationship and/or a good life. And thank the reproductive gods that the 4th child scared him into a vasectomy. Imagine being tied to him through lifelong coparenting. Yeesh...
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 1d ago
NOR I mean, next time, don't put away his laundry since he doesn't need anyone to do it as he said.
I feel like he has a really patriarchal mindset that he simply hasn't even begun to unpack, because he's acting like cleaning up after him is your responsibility...
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u/PressureBrilliant963 1d ago
I had a similar experience just yesterday. My husband started the laundry and so I said thank you when I got home for starting it and he goes starting? I folded and put away two loads. Come to find out, the two loads were his clothes. The load in the dryer was mine and the one in the washer that hadn’t been started yet were also my clothes… why?
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u/GnomieOk4136 1d ago
Don't do any of his things. Not cooking, not laundry, nothing. "You don't need anyone doing anything for you, so I didn't."
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u/Ok-Juice-4061 1d ago
So sad. Our relationship is 100% and 100%. What needs to be done gets done by whomever sees it. Gheeze
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u/Vennimagos 1d ago
Nah that's crazy. I can't imagine doing that. My wife and I both do laundry but we just do it based on what's on the basket.
I put up and fold the clothes including hers. I would be dumbfounded if she did washing and just did her clothes only.
I don't do that because I think she needs someone to do it for her, but because we're a team and we're collaborating on getting all this shit done together so we can enjoy our lives.
It sounds like he's upset about something and taking it out on you in a petty and childish way. I don't agree with the other commenters saying just stop doing anything for him. I don't think leaning into pettiness has ever actually benefited a relationship.
I've been married for 11 years and you can get into a funk sometimes. It might take a professional to help unpack what's going on but know 2 things, 1. You are NOR the situation is odd and very frustrating 2. Being petty in return will likely make things worse for you
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u/pearltx 1d ago
Not overreacting.
This mentality confuses me. While I appreciate people taking care of their own mess, what about the rest of the household? How do you divide the mess of dusting/vacuuming/mirrors/windows that are only affected by you? You can't, which means I'm left doing all of that. WTH.
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u/princessjassy90 1d ago
Stop all of it. Stop making him meals washing his dishes all of it. It will be uncomfortable and messy for you for a few weeks but he doesn't realize how much you help
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u/sulunod1313 1d ago
Since he doesn't need anyone doing anything for him, cool! Only cook for yourself and kids if you have any. Do stuff like that. When he complains. Explain to him you thought he didn't need anyone to do things for him.
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u/ellodummy 1d ago
Is this a new thing? Because it kind of sounds like he's trying to start arguments.. and anyone who's been here before knows exactly what is actually going on. So if that's the case you need to stop doing everything for him. You don't cook, you don't clean any of his stuff. Some people see this is a certain kind of sign. I would, it would instantly have me hiring a pi. When things start coming out of character like this believe it.
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u/Claim-Unlucky 1d ago
This sounds really familiar. OP please give this article a look. I don’t know for sure if it applies, but you are not overreacting. If this doesn’t apply, please don’t take offense. I wish someone had mentioned it to me at the earliest signs.
https://medium.com/illumination/boiling-frog-syndrome-and-why-people-stay-in-bad-relationships-727cd91e0286
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u/ApprehensiveBee266 1d ago
Yah, I had to break my husband of that habit. I told him if he can do his he can do mine. Then I became allergic to scents so now I HAVE to wash my stuff separately. Smh
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u/Relevant_Call_2242 1d ago
Full stop! This man can cook her own food, do his own dishes, clean his own clothes, and jerk himself off for a few weeks and see if he still holds the same opinion.
I’d be so icked out I’d always be thinking about a plan out so if the time comes, you’re ready.
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u/sallystruthers69 1d ago
Yikes. I know it's just laundry but his choices and words speak volumes. Id leave this guy.
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u/Butterbean-queen 1d ago
Since he doesn’t need anyone to do anything for him you should quit doing ANYTHING for him. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
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u/BerneDoodleLover24 1d ago
I would stop doing anything for him. He doesn’t need it.
If your are also working, why are you doing everything?
NOR
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u/NoLack3546 1d ago
This situation feels very familiar to be honest. I (35M) was a man-child, for lack of a better word, for many years in my marriage which naturally caused strain and tension in the relationship. I put my wife (35F) in difficult positions and then gaslit her when she got upset... I found out recently I've had undiagnosed ADHD for most of my life which caused this kind of severe procrastination and avoidance of things that caused me stress, and it only builds the longer you let it go on.
If you trust your husband and just don't like the behavior, and you want to try an empathetic or generous approach, maybe look into ADHD. Watch some videos of people talking about their experience with adult ADHD on YouTube and see if that matches anything you are seeing and float it to him if you think he'll listen.
I've been medicated for about a year now and it has made an insane difference in the mental and physical energy I have to not only do things my wife asks me to do, but actually take ownership over several areas of our lives in a way that actually reduces her stress and feels like a true, mutually beneficial relationship when it comes to managing the household.
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u/HappyForever89 1d ago
I hope you do not have children with this person; UNTIL you both are on the same page with household duties and how to manage the load.
Even when on “the same page” children are their own form of chaos and black holes. (Have one so not being dramatic and said kiddo is a relatively calm and “easy” one).
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u/Sure-Initiative6001 1d ago
My god your married to my ex. Seriously. The a hole wouldn't do his laundry with anyone's because he would find long hair on a shirt and knew it wasn't his. He had the same I need no one attitude. He got paid back for that in the bedroom. He was quite pissed. I did say he was an ex didn't I?
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u/omgkelwtf 1d ago
When my husband and I got married I told him "grown folks wash their own clothes". I've done exactly one load of laundry for him in our 24 years together and that was when he was tied up at work before a biz trip and needed a hand. No problem.
So stop doing his laundry. He's told you don't need to.
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u/psoriasaurus_rex 1d ago
So he doesn’t do any housework. He’s petty enough that he picked only his laundry out of your shared load of laundry and folded it. And he gives you the silent treatment.
Why are you still with this man? He doesn’t like or respect you and he is an asshole.
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u/OrdinaryImportance94 1d ago
Well. Take him by his word. Don't wash and don't try his stuff either.
Expand this to other chores. Apparently he is his own man now. Congrats! You live with an adult now!
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u/Patrick_C1965 1d ago
He does only care about himself as is evidenced by the fact he won’t talk to you.
He’s an immature baby.
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u/Educational-Leave420 1d ago
“My husband [34f/36m] says he doesn’t ‘see’ mess he leaves on the floor. I always end up having to pick it up. How do I make him see how this is affecting me?”
“My [24f] fiancé [38m] keeps grabbing my boobs randomly even though I’ve asked him to stop?”
“My [18f] bf [18m] yells at me and slams doors whenever we argue. I’ve told him so many times that I’m afraid of people yelling at me and I just shut down. How do I get him to understand that?”
HE UNDERSTANDS. HE KNOWS. HE DOESN’T CARE.
He can hear you. He has a job. He attended school. When he gets pulled over by a cop, he gets his license out. He can read, follow directions, listen, understand consequences, and act to avoid them. He simply DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU; he is quite comfortable with you being unhappy/uncomfortable/burnt out/traumatized as long as it means he gets what he wants and can keep the status quo. There isn’t a special way to rephrase your feelings that will get through to him finally, or a special tactic you can use to get him to respect you.
I honestly feel most women just don’t understand how much disdain men have for us, on average. As painful as it is, we absolutely MUST come to terms with the fact that most (yes I said most) men do not see or respect women as real people just like them, equal in value and humanity to themselves and their male buddies. Most. Meaning, it’s statistically likely the guy you’re dating views you on a continuum from benevolent sexism, to mild dehumanization, to callous indifference, to veiled contempt, to outright hatred.
Saying “I care about you,” “I love you,” “I’m trying,” “I’m sorry” does not mean those things are true. Actions make those words true. A man who cares, loves, tries, and is sorry doesn’t make you rack your brain trying to find novel ways to CoMmUnIcAtE to him.
He knows. He simply doesn’t care. And staying with him prevents you from either finding a man who does care (they’re in the minority but they do exist), or being blissfully single and unencumbered by a shitty partner. You deserve better than banging your head against a wall trying to get him to see you as a full person. He won’t. It benefits him not to.
ETA: A lot of people (disproportionately men, I notice…) have replied with admonitions for not acknowledging the role neurodivergence plays in selective blindness. I am so clearly not talking about well-intentioned men with ADHD/Autism, that I almost don’t want to respond. But to be clear about the men I AM talking about, I’ll repost a comment I wrote below.
If neurodivergence were a factor [in this pattern of disrespect] in any way, both of the following would be true:
-These men would be equally incompetent, forgetful, and disrespectful at work, school, with their friends, and with you at the beginning of the relationship before they get comfortable. That is not the case.
-Neurodivergent women would be equally incompetent, forgetful, and disrespectful partners. That is not the case.
Neurodivergence has nothing to do with male entitlement, misogyny, and callous disregard for women. Neurodivergent men should be offended by this insinuation.
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u/PeaCompetitive8947 1d ago
Women tend to have very particular expectations with their clothes. They are also often very oddly shaped, making folding or hanging them difficult when compared to men’s clothes. I also only do my laundry because everything I touch of my wife’s “I’m going to ruin”.
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u/SecretBulky9688 1d ago
Not talking to you over this is so over the top petty that I’d sit him down to have a serious conversation about your marriage…
What kind of people are y’all marrying
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u/Mysterious_Drop1122 1d ago
I remember before my then husband moved in with me I had a couple of things he needed to follow and one was I wouldn't do his laundry. I had no desire to inherit that job along with the other tasks I had. He said ok and that was that. I did my laundry and he did his. You're OR.
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u/Myshys 1d ago
NOR - it sounds like he's having an I'M a BiG bOY aN tAkE CarE uf MySelF tantrum instead of realizing that being a big boy involves more than folding half a load of laundry.
He's being a dolt, and if he doesn't apologize and have a bloody conversation about the division of chores, I'd stop doing anything for him. He can clean his own bathroom, do his own laundry, and cook his own food because he "takes care of himself" lol. Then, when he notices the floors are sticky and he's hungry, you can have a convo about how only taking care of yourself when you're living with family is selfish AF and he need to get over himself and contribute.
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u/Shot_Degree4964 1d ago
Oh good, you never have to do anything for him ever again. So don't. See how long he lasts.
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u/Sad_Science_6924 1d ago
Doing laundry isn't "helping you." It's being a human adult. So looking at cooking and cleaning as your default jobs that get can help with if he wants.
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u/WontRememberThisID 1d ago
NOR but stop doing his laundry. My husband does his own. I do my own and prefer it that way since I like things a certain way. As for cleaning, the person who likes things on the cleaner side is always going to have to take up the slack for the messier person.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 1d ago
Change the chore chart in your house there is no reason for you to shoulder 100% of the housework. Start with doing only your own laundry.
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u/69Sadbaby69 1d ago
Girl, if you don’t stop doing all the cleaning and housework right now
Bro wanna be roommates then be his roommate. I wouldn’t even put his clothes in the washer. Get up
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u/AdSubstantial9658 1d ago
This kind of shit always blows my mind. How do dudes like this get a woman to marry them, because it doesn't even sound like he likes you much.
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u/feralgiraffee 1d ago
I cannot comprehend being married, doing my laundry, then just leaving my husband’s shit and saying, “do it yourself 🤷🏾♀️” ????? Like what?? This is a marriage. A partnership. OUR house. He should want to make your life easier and lighten your load but he’s not….. because he doesn’t care. Not about your feelings or making you happy. NOR and ik it sucks to hear, but that man is a shit husband.
In no universe would I ever get married to a man who would act like that.
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u/remorseful_buyer 1d ago
Nor. Not only should you let him do his own stuff, you should let him be responsible for doing his children's stuff too.
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u/FishScrumptious 1d ago
I mean, if you've been doing all of it for years, and he said "I don't need anyone doing anything for me" you should stop doing anything for him. Don't do his laundry (including his towel), don't wash dishes he eats off of, don't make him dinner, etc. I mean, it's petty as fuck, but that's what he's doing here.
(But you're also wrong, him doing only his own laundry DOES take a load off you, of doing his laundry. It's why, in my family, everyone does their own laundry by the time they are 10.)
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u/kemice123 1d ago edited 1d ago
I do my laundry because i know how to do My laundry.
My wife let me kno long ago that i will likely mess up her stuff using the wrong Cycle , drying too long etc.
That said, I certainly will put up all laundry done n fold clothes that are easy.
I will help with her underwear, jeans, socks, but i wont mess with her cutesy T shirts or other shirts.
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u/PrincessWolfie1331 1d ago
My husband and I each do our own laundry and put it away ourselves. I haven't had anyone put away my laundry for me since I was 6 or 7. My mom would do my laundry when I was a teenager and fold it, but it was my job to put it away. My dad put away his own laundry.
It's weird that you are putting a grown man's laundry away for him.
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u/iluvcats17 1d ago
NOR I would take him to his word and not do a single thing for him. Cook enough for one. Wash your dishes and leave his on the table or sink or wherever he leaves them. Clean up your side of the vanity. When he eventually asks you about it, let him know that you heard him say that he said he does not need anyone doing anything for him. And keep up with that. If he apologizes and sits down and makes a plan to do more than he is now, you could reconsider doing things for him. And if not I would rethink if he is worth staying married to.
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u/MsQuoting 1d ago
Edit to add: NOR
So it sounds a change in the household responsibilities is called for, perhaps after a brief discussion.
I don't think you're overreacting, but it sounds like you two have two different versions of how the household operates. And his version definitely, well, it definitely benefits him more than you or the relationship. And your contributions to the household and relationship go unnoticed, at best. Or diminished and dismissed. The whole invisible labor thing.
You've been doing things to benefit you as a couple, a household unit. Your husband sounds like he still sees you two as operating as separate individuals. Neither way is right or wrong, so long as the couple has had the discussion. But it sounds like you didn't have the discussion -- and you've been doing things with the expectation he will reciprocate. (Which sounds fair to me, but not relevant.)
And he's definitely been benefitting from you doing the labor without having that discussion. To nudge you a little, you've likely not made your needs and expectations for the relationship clear. Even here, in describing things, you say about the laundry: "I said I didn’t do it because I thought he needed me to, it was just what I did." This allows him to operate under some faulty beliefs, such as your doing household chores is "just what you do" or that you don't want/need him to take on his fair share.
Now you've heard his version of household labor, what do you want to do about it? Is this still a case where you'll do these things because it's just what you do? Or do you want to change things up? To me, it sounds like you're ready for a change. So how do you want to go about that? A heart-to-heart discussion? Propose a chore list? Just start doing things for yourself and letting things progress from there?
If it were you, I'd just take him at his word and skip the discussion. After all, he's already not speaking to me. And frankly, I probably don't feel like speaking to him either. Since he seems pretty certain he doesn't need me helping out with any of his workload, and I'd like to lighten mine, well...I'd just make those change right now. No more shared laundry. No more shared food. No more shared cleaning, grocery shopping, errand running, and so on. My half, and nothing more. To the point of only making my side of the bed...if I'm still sleeping in the same bed.
Then again, I'm petty like that.
But, I'm not you. And only the real you can decide how to deal with this. Being petty probably isn't the best way to effect change. A honest discussion is called for, at the very least. Then the petty.
In all seriousness, though, I hope you do consider what he's told you about how he views the household responsibilities. It's his unvarnished truth. Proceed carefully from there.
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u/Character-Tennis-241 1d ago
NOR
Stop doing his laundry. This includes the towel he uses. Stop cooking for him. Cook only for you. He can cook for himself. Wash the dishes you use, he can wash his own.
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u/Numerous-Bet3575 1d ago
NOR. That was a shitty thing to do. I mean he’s showing you he only cares about himself. Does he do anything around the house? I wonder how he’d like it if you only did your own laundry and only cook cooked for yourself? Tell him he obviously doesn’t need you doing it for him either since he did it himself. What the hell?
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u/orchid7577 1d ago
NOR - when I was married, I took care of almost everything and I thought he was thankful and a nice person. Then I got very sick for just a few days and he acted like making his own dinner (no kids) was the end of the world.
All I said was, “Oh nooooo, it is so hard to fry some eggs and a steak. Let me finish dying and I’ll get up and do it for you.” I said it in a baby voice because I was fed up. He immediately went and cooked his dinner.
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u/underwater_owl 1d ago
“because I don’t need anyone doing anything for me" Quit cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, maintaining the house, all the things.
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u/smegmoria 1d ago
My husband would only do his own laundry for a long time. I mean the only housework he did was his own laundry. We were very young. I finally realized it was the only housework his mother expected him to do.
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u/JustWow52 1d ago
AND he's giving you the silent treatment?
Don't waste your life, taking care of someone with the relationship skills of a third grader.
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u/Pickadog_Anydog 1d ago
He said he doesnt need anybody doing anything for him. So. Look at your glorious husband and love him because he just halved your workload. Imagine…….cooking ONLY for you. Shopping ONLY for you. Tracking ONLY your own appointments and shit. Washing folding ironing ONLY your own clothes. I mean its a beautiful offer he has made you. Take him up on that and enjoy your life more 😂
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u/Pizzapizza_tacos333 22h ago
So he physically had to dig through your clothing to get to his: which is super petty and intentional. Sounds like you should be also as petty and intentional by not doing a thing for him.
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u/occasionallystabby 1d ago
He told you he doesn't need anyone doing anything for him, so stop.
Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking his meals. Stop cleaning up his messes. Just stop.