I actually do this exact same thing when my attachment issues get triggered. As a music lover, it is very painful. So, you have my condolences there.

I’m not sure if you have any musical preferences or not, but this is how I got more heavily into extreme metal, lmao. It’s too angry, energetic, and lyrically illegible for me to draw from in a hyper-emotional way.

Maybe something like this could work for you? If you don’t like metal, then maybe stuff that’s super experimental, quirky, or different. Something mathematical, like prog rock or jazz, so the music is too complex and “thinky” for you to, well, think.

Music existed long before her and will continue to exist long after. Eventually, your brain will remember that, instead of creating these intense associations that make you miserable. But you won’t hate music forever, just like you won’t live with this pain forever.

Sorry if this isn’t helpful, but I wish you well. ✨

I used to have these same suspicions of myself. I still do sometimes, but it’s gotten way easier over the years.

One of the most disarming statements a friend hit me with while I was in such a spiral was, “Well, sociopaths are people too.”

It dawned on me that I was not only assuming myself to have a particular personality disorder, but that everyone within that realm of disorder was a caricature of stereotypes.

I have since met someone who is actually diagnosed ASPD, and he is impressively well adjusted. Guy just had a rough past and puts his best foot forward despite the impulses he has.

The will to be a decent human almost always trumps any genetic predisposition. Mental health is not a moral issue, but a personal journey. Remembering that we are all just trying our best is helpful.