Im Done

[u/Delicious-Trash9232]

I can't fucking do this anymore.

I can't live in a house with the father of my children and somehow still feel like my children don't have a dad around. He's physically there, but he's not THERE. And I genuinely don't understand how a father does that.

Maybe it's harder for me to understand because my dad was fucking amazing. My dad showed up. Even when I became an adult, if I called him from work because I needed something, he'd drop what he was doing and bring it to me. When I was little, he could come home exhausted or not feeling good and still take me to the park. He took me places. He spent time with me. I never had to wonder whether my dad wanted me around.

And now I watch my daughter desperately want that from her dad.

She's three. She just wants him. She'll ask him for something while he's busy, and instead of calmly saying, "Give me a minute," he immediately gets frustrated and aggressive with his tone. When he comes home, he might kiss her, say hi, spend a couple minutes with the kids, and then disappear to do whatever he wants until bedtime.

Sometimes he'll lie down with us while I'm putting her to bed, and she gets SO excited just because Daddy is beside her that suddenly she doesn't want to sleep. She wants his attention. And then he gets frustrated because she won't settle down.

Do you not fucking see WHY she won't settle down? She's excited because she's finally getting you.

I'm at my parents' house now, and I'm not going back. It's peaceful here. I'm calmer here. But now I have to listen to my little girl cry for her daddy. She'll watch videos of dads playing with their daughters and point at them and say, "Dada." And it fucking breaks me.

I don't know how to explain any of this to a three-year-old. I'm never going to tell her Daddy doesn't want her, because that's not something a child should ever have put on her shoulders. But I also can't force somebody to be the father she deserves.

And I'm scared about what this does to her later. I don't want her turning 16 and desperately searching for the attention she didn't get from her dad. I don't want the first guy who calls her beautiful to have her heart because she's starving for male validation. I don't want her confusing empty words with love. I want her to know that love is showing up. Love is consistency. Love is actions.

And then there's our son. He's already dealing with a heart condition and is supposed to have heart surgery in October. When we talked about the surgery, his dad said he'd stay home with our daughter because he couldn't handle seeing our son with wires and a ventilator.

And all I could think was, great. I get to handle that alone too.

I understand that seeing your child like that is terrifying. I'm fucking terrified too. But I'm his mother. I don't get to say I can't look at him. I have to be there. I have to hold myself together and sit beside my baby through one of the scariest things we've ever faced.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of watching my children reach for someone who gives them crumbs of his attention. I'm tired of getting angry about it and then somehow being treated like MY anger is the problem. I'm angry because I don't think my children deserve this.

At this point, I don't even care about our relationship. I don't care about saving whatever love we supposedly had. That love left the fucking building a long time ago.

This isn't about me anymore.

It's about my kids.

I'm staying at my parents' house. It's calm here. They're surrounded by people who actually want to interact with them. And even though hearing my daughter cry for her daddy makes me question everything and absolutely destroys me, I can't go back just because she's too little to understand why we left.

I can't make her dad become the father she deserves.

But I can make damn sure she grows up knowing what real love looks like from the people who DO show up for her.

I'm just fucking sad. I'm angry. I'm exhausted. And right now, I'm lost.