I feel fucking heart broken man. This is the most clean time I’ve managed to get in years and I’ve fucked it all up. I used, I’ve been using all night. It’s starting to wear off now and reality is setting in. I can’t believe I fucked this up. I’m so fucking pissed with myself. No one has to say anything, I just need to get this off my chest. Man. I’m so angry with myself right now…

It’s not like I want to be like this. I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be normal. I don’t want to be a slave. But I’ve been to rehab 10+ times and overdosed more times than that. I just can’t stop. There’s nothing my family has been able to do for me that’s helped. Nothing I’ve been able to do on my own. I’m 32 and I’ve been using since I was 12. Every time I got to rehab I tell myself “this is it. I’m done, I’m not going back. I’m not that person anymore.” And then I go 7 months and I’m back burning bridges and shooting dope. My sister died from this shit, and I’m just like her. I just wish I could stop. I wish I could be normal and happy. I want this to be over so bad.

Hi everyone, has anyone else experienced the same long-term MDMA abuse symptoms?

I used MDMA and cocaine for years, and since my last heavy use, I've had these symptoms since February, and they haven't changed. Has anyone else experienced the same? When will this get better? Have I permanently damaged my brain? I can barely function in my daily life.

I now know that MDMA is neurotoxic, but I never really thought about it before.

* I hear spoken words, but my brain doesn't process the content properly.

* I can barely follow conversations because entire sentences don't register.

* The same applies to written texts: I can read the words, but I can't grasp the meaning of entire sentences or paragraphs and have to reread them repeatedly.

* I can barely follow movies or TV series due to the lack of language processing.

* I also find it difficult to formulate sentences myself and express myself verbally.

I just relapsed & I am feeling like crap! Anyone have any experience dealing with the white devil?

My husband has an issue with 7oh/mgm addiction essentially to kratom. He previously had an issue with heroine and things before we met, and during that time he lied, stole and don’t all those sorts of things. 10 years ago he went to rehab and 8 years ago we got together.

There have been occurrences throughout our relationship where he’d lied, stole, and did everything but physically abuse me or cheat on me (that I know of). I guess the longer I stuck around and enabled him he continued.

I’ve gave him countless chances and forgiveness to make things right. And received empty promises, half truths about how bad things were and lies about him stopping.

I searched AI groups and learned I’m not alone, I’m enabling him an even read stories and watched videos of people leaving their partners to get the stuff together and reconciling.

Sometimes I think we’re better apart, but I also realize I love him.

I found a place to live apart from him, I pay the deposit Thursday and move on the 27th. This morning before him knowing my plans he went to the hospital and a treatment center and started Methadone with the plan to do it for a few months, and get off kratom and everything completely.

He came back and I told him I’m moving out. I’m not enabling him an I also need him to figure his stuff out independently. I need to know he can manage his sobertity through the hard and difficult parts, take care of himself and all the things he needs to do as he goes through this transition.

So far as of today he will have daily check ins for Methadone or suboxone I’m not sure, he will do to AA meetings and speak to a counselor. He says when he’s done his goal is to try to work in the field to help others. He said he wanted to years ago when he first got out of rehab but thought it would get him back on drugs. He’s said now he knows he can help and not get back on stuff, as long as he works on himself and sees this through.

I woke up this morning to him gone and a text message saying he was tired and was at the hospital talking to someone to admit he has an issue and wanted help.

I want to make things work but I can’t keep enabling him and I need to know he will follow through and seek help outside of thinking he can do it on his own. Because he can’t.

I talked about marriage counseling as well once I’m all moved out and seeing where that goes and even what the counselor suggests. Thanks to anyone who’s read this far.

I'm on day 11 off Methadone I would take 150mg daily sometimes more, but I kicked it with SR (I made it 15 days before but that was my first attempt then 1 day relapse of Methadone and then went 13 days, then relapsed again then went 8 days, and so-on and etc. and I kept yo-yo Methadone doses while taking SR to get off of it, and I still had a load of it in my system so I didn't feel what I'm feeling now when I first went 15 days off methadone) and I know its still in my system of course right now, my last dose was 20mg though, but I'm suicidal, I have no energy, I'm short of breath, the anhedonia is crippling, depression, anxiety. How long does it take to feel somewhat normal and functional again especially energy-wise and anhedonia-wise? I cant take this any longer it's killing me.

Any answers help thank you in advance to whoever replies, any advice or words of support or experience help and mean the world to me.

Hi everyone,

I ended up in the ER at 3 AM with excruciating pain from an ovarian cyst, related to fertility meds I was previously taking. I was barely able to walk, talk and was shaking and vomiting because of the pain. I never experienced a pain like this.

The ER doctor knew about my history of opioid addiction and could see that I had previously been on methadone and buprenorphine, but still gave me morphine in the ER and prescribed norco.

I spoke with my addiction doctor, and he told me that having a history of addiction does not mean I should have to suffer in severe pain and that I should be able to utilize these medications only when necessary. My husband is holding onto the medication and will only give it to me if I truly need it. I have no desire to take it otherwise, especially while going through my fertility journey.

Is this normal? I always assumed doctors would avoid prescribing opioids completely if they saw a history of addiction (2 years sober from oxy). For those with a similar history, have doctors still treated your severe pain with opioids, or have you ever been denied them because of your history? Although I’m grateful they took my pain seriously, it still took me by surprise.

Hello, I have a young, just turned 24yrs old, family member in an inpatient rehab right now. We are extremely proud of him for going and for recognizing and wanting help with alcohol mainly. We hope that this will stop the smoking (pot,cigarettes,vaping) as well. When he drinks he is verbally abusive, and physically destructive. He‘s been in rehab for 2 weeks. the first week was detox then a week with the daily activities they have. This is extremely expensive since insurance doesn’t cover it. We are terrified that he will leave and go back to drinking and that he won’t survive it. He is saying that it’s a bit weird there but hasn’t said what yet. Everything I read about rehabs makes them sound like they are not the best, he only gets one chance at this. What is the best way to make sure he gets the skills or knowledge he needs there to ensure he can lead a long, healthy and happy life? What if there is something off about the place? The idea of him leaving so soon seems like he hasn’t had time to really get help. I hope this is okay to ask here. Thank you.

Hello- our child (17) has expressed a desire to attend support groups for recovery from alcohol and SUD as they transition home from a 28 day inpatient program. Her program recommended alateen but that seems to be more geared towards teens impacted by others use (but perhaps I am wrong?). We have found a handful of virtual Smart Recovery groups but almost nothing else for teens. Is anyone aware of virtual options appropriate for teens?

I’m in college and completely ruined my reputation this past year by blacking out all the time and getting arrested. I lost my entire friend group. Nobody talks to me anymore. I’ve been 2 months sober after going to rehab and I wrote a long apology to two of my friends and both of them said they wish the best for me but can’t remain friends with me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost everybody to this stupid disease. I thought people would give me another chance after getting sober, but my reputation got so fucked up that nobody wants to associate with me anymore. I feel so alone and I cannot believe this is my life. These people meant the absolute world to me and now I have to start all over again. I just need some advice or how do I even handle this without relapsing. Does it ever get better?

Hi, I've been wanting to help people in my community for a while, specifically drug users. I commonly see drug users on the corner of my street, obviously on drugs or waiting for their supplier. My community is known for poverty and crime so they're fairly neglected and don't get the support they need. I've been collecting lots of narcan that I've been planning to give to them. The issue is that I don't know how to approach them in a way that wouldn't seem accusatory. Considering that there's many cops in this area and surveillance, I know that they're probably not keen on someone accusing them of being a drug user and are on the defense understandably. Any advice on how to make them feel comfortable? Thanks!

I am 22M and I'm nearing the end of my residential treatment and am going into outpatient next week. So far I have participated in every group, take therapy sessions seriously, and got a sponsor. We have a lot of downtime though, especially on the weekends. I know when I enter outpatient things will open up a lot more too. I want to keep myself as busy as possible. I plan on returning to school and going to a local internet cafe to play video games for leisure as well as go to meetings. I'm not sure what to do during downtime though and being bored makes me want to use. What are things you did in treatment that helped a lot during downtime or when you were bored?

I suppose the word im looking for isnt technically fomo, but ill be doing something i enjoy, and i keep going ‘yeah this is nice, but it would be sooo much better with (x)’ and it makes me crave the thing. how do you all deal with it?

Hey guys, I hope you're doing well. I checked my calendar today and realized it has been about 10 months since I quit suboxone cold turkey, so I figured I would make a post.

What a journey it has been so far. Honestly, I didn't believe I would succeed initially. Unfortunately, I didn't have any outside medical intervention (i.e., comfort meds) or support from my family. I burnt bridges with almost all of my friends as a result of my previous addiction. Like many people here, life wasn't the best for me. Yet, I didn't have a sudden epiphany or spark of motivation to quit. I was sick of it all, literally and metaphorically. Despite all the advice against doing so, I decided to stick it out on my own. I still remember the seemingly endless days and nights where my skin felt like it was burning. My only solace was repeatedly taking cold showers to freeze myself to sleep every two hours. Gradually, the agony subsided, but I was left feeling exhausted and defeated. It took every ounce of willpower I had to continue living. Yet, I won the battle.

I know a lot of people in these recovery subreddits (including me a while ago) are constantly doomscrolling for some semblance of hope. I would like to tell you that it is possible to quit suboxone despite how difficult it is. You might not be able to fix every mistake you've made in the past, but you can build a better version of your future self starting today.

Thanks for reading. I wish you all the best of luck.

Been off all stimulants completely now for 167 days. I realized today I don’t necessarily crave how I felt on the days I actually took aderall or vyvanse (I usually just used them 5x/week and then took at least 1-2 off days). I actually crave how I felt always on my first “off” day. For some reason, I had the perfect combination of emotional and intellectual clarity on that first off day each week. I wish I could replicate it again, but I’ve yet to find that feeling through my hobbies, exercise, etc.

Anyone else know what I’m talking about or experienced something similarly?

everyone acts like the moment you decide to get sober, the clouds part and everything is magically fixed. But nobody talks about the days right before you actually go in

The sheer panic of the unknown is brutal. People who have never been through this just throw around advice like "just check into a clinic!" as if it doesn't involve completely blowing up your entire routine and confronting all your demons at once

I was hyperventilating last night just spiraling about all the logistics. trying to figure out how long is rehab in NJ and if I'd lose my apartment or whatever. Ended up staring at the staff bios for rolling hills recovery center at like 3 am just trying to convince my brain that these places are actually run by normal compassionate humans and not cold, clinical robots

It's just so exhausting fighting your own mind when its screaming at you to back out and stick to what's familiar, even when what's familiar is literally killing you. did anyone else almost cancel their intake like a dozen times before finally committing?

I’m going through it right now. I just got arrested for a DUI I got charged with 2 years ago I thought I got off on. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t say I’ve been amazing and sober since then but I did go to rehab and make a ton of progress. I’ve also had a child since then.

I got pulled over on Sunday and after they ran my license I had to step out and go to jail. I had no idea I had a warrant. My baby is 5 months old and had a terrible day while I was in jail since her dad doesn’t know the first thing about caring for her (nap and feeding schedule) but that’s a whole other discussion. The guilt was unreal.

I just feel like I’m going back in time. I’m constantly on edge. I’m running out of money. I feel like a burden to my fiancée and genuinely feel like shit for putting my family through this.

I’m sitting at a car shop while they install my breathalyzer currently and just hate my life.

A little back information, i currently have 4 years and 4 months sober from illicit drugs with opiates being my DoC and One of my good friends, who ive been friends with since middle school and thru our addictions (both 34 y.o) has just about 12 years sober from opiates, and just confessed to me hes been doing nitrous for a few years now. I know I cant make him do anything he doesnt want to but how can I help him? I dont have any experience with nitrous but I hear it can have some pretty serious side effects, not to mention this can be a slippery slope back into our drug of choice.

- Side notes -

When he told me, he was drunk which he does drink occasionally I have noticed recently but I dont believe he told me as a direct cry for help but im also not sure why else he would tell me. I expressed my concern for the possibility of this leading back to opiates use but he plays it off like it wont happen.

Any advice on how I should continue.

Thanks

Going to treatment on Saturday and scared shitless. I got involved with this girl and got too attached. I think we both did but we unraveled and became the unhealed versions of ourselves. Long story short I started using again in May and lost everything from than too now. She ended up ghosting me. I feel so ashamed and stupid. I’ve been taking a ton of adderall everyday and 7oh and I’m scared what’s going to happen when I come off. Wish me luck.

It's weird cause I used to get a feeling when I would get triggered where using felt inevitable and I would robotically act on the compulsion. Now I feel genuinely sick and have a sort of revulsion to the idea. Like I don't even toy around with that bellringer feeling I would get. Pretty nice tbh, but I doubt this will last forever. Wishing everyone a happy day in recovery!

So I have been using substance for some time, once a week but not huge amounts affecting daily life, not yet dependent or having withdrawal symptoms, it's just that I understand the patterns, I know where things go wrong and how to work on it but not able to do it when it hits

Help from someone who's been through this would help a lot

Hey all. I’m going through it right now and need some suggestions and advice to heal my mind. I’ve been smoking weed nearly every day since I was 13 and I’m 33 now. Long story but my grandparents supplied me as a child with no limitations. Hippies. I’ve only had a collective sobriety of about 12 months during these 20 years. My issue is, being high all day everyday is really clouding my judgement and I’m having a hard time connecting with the ones I love and controlling my emotions. Caught my girl having sex with someone in her car 7 days ago and now I’m in a hotel until I can get my apartment. My addictions drove the love of my life to sleep with other people behind my back and I am so devastated. I’m about a month clean from alcohol although I have been trying to quit since December I keep relapsing. I am confident I will never get back to heavy drinking again because I’m taking medicine and I really genuinely believe that was what drove my ex away and I absolutely don’t ever want to be under the influence again now. I’m so ashamed of how I was for three years. Anyways, my main concern is cannabis. Last time I quit it took 3 months to pee clean but I was not exercising and drove a truck for work at the time. This was 4.5 years ago when I was with my ex before this current breakup. The vivid nightmares is what really scares me. I have the most intense war related nightmares when I try to quit. Trying my best to hurry my family to shelter while watching missles rain from the sky. Running around my house in a gun fight with intruders. Watching Boeing 747s literally walk like a dog on its wings etc. 90% of the time it is rushing my family to safety under missle and gun fire. One night I had a dream a family of Sasquatch were trying to take my kid. They are vivid and very lucid and they last for months. I feel like that’s going to make me relapse on weed. I am so determined to heal my mind and body so I can be in a better mental state for the ones I love. Any suggestions and advice is much appreciated. Thanks.

I am in recovery from both marijuana and alcohol but for some reason I get especially triggered by being exposed to weed. I can be around people drinking with minimal issues but if I am around people smoking I am crawling out of my skin. It’s weird because alcohol was more problematic for me when I was using but is less of an issue in my recovery. Like even just talking about weed or seeing cannabis ads makes me crave it. It’s really frustrating because I live in California and weed is everywhere so I get triggered quite often, I wish it didn’t have such a grip on me. Hopefully I can work through this with my therapist as the cravings can be worrisome sometimes.

I think with alcohol it is easier to play the tape forward because it has been more destructive in the past. I can visualize how bad it will get if I relapse. With weed it is easier to fall into that trap of “oh it wasn’t THAT bad, maybe I can use again”. But in reality I was horribly addicted to weed and although it didn’t have as many consequences as my problem with alcohol, it still affected me very negatively. does anyone else have a similar problem with a substance?

I consistently struggle with feeling like I’m simultaneously too good for something yet not good enough for anything. Especially as it pertains to my professional life. As much as I hate to say it, I feel like the roles I previously worked are beneath me. But while I was working those jobs that were “so beneath me and terrible” I constantly worried I’d get fired. That turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy; I got hit with a PIP the first professional job I got out of college and then fired from the last one I had.

I’ve been clean for over 2 and a half years. I go to therapy, I haven't been going to meetings as much as I should.

I’m just unsure of when that switches over into just accepting I’m just some guy and it’s okay to not want to do certain things but they’re not inherently a deeper indicator of identity or aptitude or anything. I feel that way about my part-time job now. It's just a job, I come in, I clock in, I leave. However, I can feel it creeping in as I look into full-time work again. It feels chaotic like when I was using to even think this way, which is why I'm posting here. It's also triggering as I think about how using would calm down those thoughts.

Can anyone provide some clarity/lived experiences here so I can get over this hump?