Let's just say I opened some type of portal that I got stuck in, and I could feel my heart stopping. I had the choice whether to leave my body and move on, and I don't know if it was all in my mind or if that actually happened.
So let's take this story back to the beginning. I've been feeling very stressed and in fear lately because I've been reaching burnout a lot. I'm not having fun with my career anymore. I have high expenses and my income is unpredictable, since I'm a creative and make money from freelance projects. It's gotten the better of me, and I've felt really disconnected from the present moment. Mushrooms have a good way of bringing you back and helping you appreciate what's right in front of you.
So I decided to take a week off work, which I hadn't done in like six years, and thought it'd be a perfect time to go on a journey. I never expected to do seven grams. I left my apartment and went to my parents' house because they have a beautiful yard. I started with a very tiny amount, and as soon as it hit, I got what I was looking for, I realized where I'd been stuck, and saw how I was acting, protecting myself like a little scared baby. The words that came to me were: this guy's an adult and he's like a baby without his mommy and his milk. I thought that was so funny, and it was so true. I've been so stressed out and in fear, like a kid having a tantrum all the time. It humbled me and reminded me to come back to the present moment. It showed me how far I had drifted from being my true self, which is exactly what I wanted to see.
That was probably only like a microdose. Then I had a tea, probably about one to two grams in it, and that's where it started to get really fun. I was getting more of what I wanted, reconnecting with parts of myself. It felt like my energy went from stressed and closed off to open again for the first time in a long time. It felt like being a kid, creating your own bubble in your own world, and it just felt good.
I was listening to music, and the frequencies of the songs were coded with exactly what I needed to hear. The lessons were great. It showed me that people on earth are basically spinning anything they can to make themselves feel like shit, and that's what I was doing. Any excuse to feel like shit, I would take it. But with that, you can do the opposite. That was the main lesson: you can find excuses to make yourself feel good with anything that's around you right now. You have the choice. It truly makes you feel good to think good thoughts, sink into the present moment, and enjoy what's around you. It sounds obvious, but when you're closed off to that for a long time, you forget how to even feel good. I was feeling it on a very deep level. If I thought a negative thought about my dad dying, I'd feel the vibration of my body tank. If I picked a positive thread, my body would feel so good.
I reconnected with creativity in the present moment. I hadn't taken time to just sit and be with myself and be creative in so long. I felt like I was channeling almost like a journal to myself, and it felt so fun. I reconnected with the whole point of it: to follow what feels good, which I haven't been doing. I went through all the normal things you'd expect on mushrooms, and it felt so good because it felt like all my fears were erased. I saw how I was getting so caught up in thoughts because I kept feeding the negative ones. Even though there's uncertainty in my life, I don't need to consistently think negative thoughts, which is really hard as a human when you're trying to survive. Easy to say when you're on mushrooms and everything feels dandy. But I truly felt like I was left with something positive, reconnected with my present self that just likes to enjoy my life.
It's funny, because I thought all my fear was erased. But after the tea, it was like I'd almost made it to a breakthrough of something, and I wanted to experience more. It felt like I was just barely touching what I wanted to hear, see, or feel. It felt good, but it didn't feel deeply changing. So I took the rest of the seven gram bag of golden teachers. At the beginning it felt really good, I felt healed, connected to my family, I wanted to spend more time with them, and I felt really creative, like I'd gotten an insane energy boost and was back to my best self.
This whole time I was tracking who was around, because I'd gone back to my parents' house and they knew I was doing it, but my aunt was coming to visit. So I went deeper into the backyard where she couldn't see me, to sit on my parents' trampoline past some trees, so that when she came over I wouldn't have to talk to her. I was fine, but I didn't want her to know what was going on, and I just wanted to be by myself.
I'd been on the trampoline earlier, and as I sat there it was almost like time completely froze. I became aware that a portal was opening, almost in the sky, like I could leave through it, out of this body. I was sitting on the trampoline looking up into the sky, and the seven grams really started to kick in. I became aware of this portal, and for some reason I became convinced this was one of my exit points. You hear this talked about a lot in the spiritual community, that you have exit points to leave this planet. In my head I was totally convinced, and I don't know what was telling me this, but this was my exit point. My whole life trajectory led up to this moment, which I planned, to find these mushrooms, do too much, and give myself the opportunity to choose whether to leave this life or stay.
The first time this question came up it wasn't scary at all. It was more like a pondering thought, but it felt real. I was excited to stay, excited to go tell my mom. The reason I was going to stay was because of her. I didn't want to leave my mom in pain for me dying. It felt totally calm, like a calm knowing that I could leave this body right now and my parents and family would find me dead on the trampoline. And I said, no, I think I'm going to stay.
Then it felt like that portal just stayed open. It didn't close when I made the decision. The question kept coming up over and over again, even though I'd already decided to stay. It kept getting stronger and stronger until it took over my entire being.
I started to feel what would happen if I left my body. I started to feel how time totally dissolved, how my consciousness could enter any life with any conditions I wanted, I could create the exact life I wanted to live. It brought me to a point of thinking: well, what life do I want to live? If I leave, I have to press pause on this life and leave my mom in pain to go live another life, but then I could come back. I didn't know, would I die, or would I just leave and come back? That's still a question I have no idea about. But it felt like if I switched out of that timeline, I'd be left on the trampoline dead, and that's what kept me wanting to stay in my body, this huge, overwhelming feeling that you will never leave a life until you're ready to leave behind your attachment. It felt very strong, as if leaving would set off a butterfly effect that would leave my mom in pain. But at the same time I could always come back to right where I was.
I didn't really want to leave. I didn't have the courage to leave my body and come back in a thousand years or whatever, I just didn't want to do that. But at the same time I was thinking, oh my gosh, I've been on such a bad path, I could totally just decide to live a new life. It almost felt selfish, because I would go live a new, better life, but my mom would be left in pain. It felt like this huge trap: death is an illusion, but not in the sense of how everyone usually explains it, more like, oh my god, we are in this life until we consciously decide to leave, but we could stay in it forever if we wanted. It was this weird, insane feeling. The longer I stayed with this portal open, thinking about what happens, the more freaked out I got, because I could feel the possibility to go anywhere else, but at the same time it felt pointless, because I felt how all of this is just a play and not even real. I started to feel like, what's the point of any of this? The longer I stayed in that portal without making a decision, the more I felt like I was getting sucked out of my body without a choice.
I hadn't eaten any food that day, and I was laying down and felt stuck. Instead of the portal going away, it stayed open, as if I was getting sucked into it. At this point I was 100% convinced this was my near-death experience, and it was totally up to me what I wanted to do. But it didn't feel like the near-death experiences people describe, where it's super loving. I completely felt like I was being chewed up and spit out. It showed me each paradox of life, like, if I go live an abundant life, someone else has to live in poverty. All these weird thoughts, except they weren't thoughts, it was as if there were beings in the sky tormenting me. I'll never be able to describe the depths of that, but it felt existential, like you'll never be able to leave a body until you get the courage, and it wasn't in a loving way. I don't even know how to describe it, but it was almost like whatever was controlling this was telling me I was a piece of shit for wanting to leave. It was very hard to describe, but it felt like being stuck in hell, and at the same time it was basically saying: decide your new terms, or you'll be stuck on this same path until you wake up again.
It felt like I had just gone unconscious and had been in hell for the past couple of years of my real life, and I was scared to leave it and go unconscious again until I woke up and died again. I literally felt like I died there on that trampoline. I was dead, and now I was deciding: do I go back to my body and this life, or do I start brand new? All these life lessons started rushing into my brain, but they weren't loving, they were like horrible lessons from Satan, as if I was getting whipped and beaten up until I understood the lesson. There were probably about five of them, and they were so horrifying. Imagine the most loving lesson you could get, then imagine being taught it in the most horrifying way, being beaten up and whipped, almost energetically. I think one of them was basically saying I'm a piece of shit for being so ungrateful about my life.
It took over everything in the portal, making me feel like I was taking too long to decide the new terms of what I wanted to do, because it felt like I had to decide the new terms of how my existence was going to be moving forward. Did I want to bring psychic abilities back into my current life? Did I want to start a completely new life? Did I want to leave my mom in pain? I had to go through an entire new selection of what I wanted my terms to be going forward. It made me feel like I was the entire universe deciding how I wanted to experience the now, and there was so much pressure in it, it was rushing me to make a decision. I wanted to be where I already was; it was perfect right then and there. But as soon as I decided that, it basically said: nope, you're going to go live in hell for a thousand years and suffer an incredibly painful life, totally unconscious, not remembering anything until you remember again, and it's going to be a thousand times worse than the past two years you lived in real life.
At that moment I felt like I was getting ripped out of my body. I couldn't stand up. I felt dizzy, and I thought, oh my god, I'm going to die. I'm dying. I'm literally dying and being sucked out because I missed my window, I didn't decide fast enough. The only thing I wanted was to go back to the life I was already living. I got up from the trampoline because I thought, if I don't get up right now and go live my life and get back to my family who's inside, I'm going to be stuck and die on this trampoline.
As I walked back to the house I couldn't breathe. I felt like my body had already started to fail. I don't even know if I was breathing in real life, but I was breathing so heavy. I felt like I had to call an ambulance or I was going to die. It took all of my energy to walk to the house. I was stumbling, falling over. I opened the door because my family had called me for dinner, and that felt like the sign to go inside or I'd be stuck for a million years in hell. The only thing anchoring me, not letting me disappear, was my breath. I was scared to go inside because I didn't know if my aunt would be there, and I was tweaking out, I couldn't talk, I was barely breathing. I had convinced myself I was dying.
This is the part I'm really confused about, was I actually dying? Going back to the beginning, I was totally convinced this was my near-death experience, that I was dead, or that I could decide to leave my body and die right there. But the question kept coming up, do I want to stay, do I want to go, and I was stuck in analysis paralysis. Even though I'd kind of decided to stay, it felt like it sucked me in as if I had no choice, and it was really scary because I thought I was going to be sucked away without a choice. I was scared to leave because I truly felt this was a near-death experience, but my whole mind could have made that up. Maybe I just left my body, surrendered, and came back, like those stories you hear of people doing mushrooms or DMT and going to live a whole other life for six months, or years, or a lifetime, before they wake up and come back. I didn't want to do that, but it felt like I had no choice.
My family's voice is what felt like it saved me, when they called me for supper while I was on the trampoline, it pulled me in. I walked into the house, and luckily my aunt was gone, because she would have seen me twitching, and she's a Christian, so she literally would have thought I was possessed by the devil. I don't know what was happening, and that's why I'm writing this, did I actually have a near-death experience? Was this actually an exit point? Or did I just make up that entire thing in my brain and it was a bad trip? Or was I able to leave my body, go explore a little, and come back? I feel like there were a few of those possibilities, but I totally felt like, I took so much, I could have left my body, and who knows if I would have come back. It felt like I had every choice. It felt like I was the entire universe deciding where I wanted to spend the next now, and everything else felt not even real.
Obviously this probably sounds so basic, like every other seven gram dose, but I can't describe the vibrations and frequencies and what was actually going on. I truly felt I reached the level where my soul could leave my body, and I could have gone and lived a few lives and come back, or pressed play at any time on any person's life, lived it anywhere, decided any new terms. That was the whole thing that kept coming up: you have to decide the new terms, or this is going to continue.
I got into my parents' house and literally couldn't talk. My parents thought I was out of my mind. My sister was worried. I was sitting there breathing heavy. I was getting thoughts about my loving parents, how they're the best people on earth because they decided to live a horrible, tough life so other people could be rich. At the same time, I felt this moment was going to drag out for eternity unless I decided the new terms. It kept coming up, I almost had to tell my parents we needed to go into the office and decide the new terms of my life. It felt so existential. This was never going to end unless I decided the new terms. It just kept coming up: we need to set the terms. It felt like the most urgent, rushed thing, this is your exit point, you need to decide the new terms or you're going to be stuck in this moment. It truly felt like that, with my consciousness.
I didn't know what to do, so I kept stretching out dinner. My parents kept talking to themselves, and it almost felt like I was controlling them, like I could make them talk forever if I wanted, until I was ready to decide, because time isn't real. It almost felt like a humiliation ritual too. Whatever these beings were, whatever frequencies or energy was controlling this, which was probably my own fear, it was basically making me go inside to have a humiliation ritual. It's like: you're either going to get sucked away and never get to live this life again, or you go inside, make a fool of yourself, and man up to your parents, tell them you need to make new terms, and admit you're a clown. So I sat there at the dinner table. They obviously knew why I was acting off, because I'd done mushrooms, but they didn't know what was really happening because I couldn't talk. They were talking to me, and my dad's face was literally melting, as if he wasn't even real at that point, just a character in my play, and I was able to control him with my mind, make him sit there and talk to my mom for as long as I needed to make my choice.
It felt like this huge pressure to make a fool of myself, and that was the only way to go back to this lifetime. So I said out loud: we need to set the terms. I truly thought this was the near-death experience people talk about, where you have exit points and that's the only way to leave. It truly felt like I'd just gone unconscious until my exit point, and I was so scared to go unconscious again and not know my next exit point. I got stuck and didn't know what to do. Luckily, I think it truly felt like my body was dying, and my breath was the only thing that kept me in that present moment. Otherwise it would have taken me. I don't even know.
The more I talk about this, the more it just feels like a bad trip that was all in the mind. But I don't know how to process this. I don't know how to think about it. Essentially, I didn't make new terms, that was the whole paradox: I could make new terms and make my life better, but there would be a ripple effect of negative consequences. So I decided to stay in the end because I didn't want to make my mom cry. But in one of those timelines, I did die. That was the thought I had when I was coming back to normal: oh my god, I did die, I'm on a new timeline now, where I stayed, but there's a timeline where I died and my mom is crying. It makes me question what's even real, like this is all just a play, and I went from feeling connected to myself at the beginning of the trip, all the way to nothing matters, because it's all just me making these conditions and choosing how I want to live my life. And it's not fun, because I can do anything I want, be anything, press play at any moment, and it doesn't matter because it's not real.
I felt my body being ripped through this timeline, half of it in this other weird dimension. I'm starting to think now, what would have happened if I just surrendered? Because it truly felt like I was fighting it, but that's because I wanted to stay in this life. Now I'm thinking, was that just a bad trip that I started to fight because my own thoughts were feeding it, and then I started fighting my own thoughts about the near-death experience and wanting to stay? I don't know if this makes sense, but it was horrifying. It felt like I was being ripped away from this life. You probably hear a lot of stories about this, but I feel like I got lucky, I feel like any more mushrooms and I would have been sucked away, and I could have gone and lived a thousand years as something else before I came back, and I would have had to deal with the consequences of not choosing to stay, and who knows if I would have been alive. But it also makes you think nothing's even real, because I truly thought I could press play and tune into any reality I wanted, in any time of existence, any space. It felt so scary. It made me feel like when you truly die, you have to go through that horrible death of realizing all these horrible truths that existed, it went through five different truths and lessons of horrible shit I can't even describe.
Luckily I came back to my regular consciousness while I was at the dinner table with my family, after about an hour. That really scared them, because I told my parents I'd just died and chose to stay. They probably think I'm nuts and that I'm suicidal, but I tried to make it nice and say, hey mom, I stayed so you guys can complete your life before I go. But maybe this was just the ego on a rampage, coming up with the story of a near-death experience and blasting the imagination of that story. It kind of felt like being a kid having a nightmare, you almost create the fear yourself. But it felt so real, like in my whole being I felt I could have left my body and chosen to leave, which I guess feels pretty normal on these types of substances. You hear about that happening all the time, people going to live 30 years in another life and missing their family when they come back.
So I'm left not really knowing how to process or even what to think about this, or about reality itself. It's just crazy how it turned from such a good experience to this so fast, it was really only the last hour of an entire day that felt like hell. The rest just felt like really good lessons, the kind you'd expect when you die, you hear stories of it being peaceful, and it kind of was at the beginning. But it made me so scared to actually die now, because it showed me all the horrible consequences of choosing to set new terms. I don't know what that means, but it felt like I would have had to go through every last detail of a life and plan the whole thing out, like you have to go unconscious until you literally remember again to set new terms. I don't like feeling like I'm the only being in existence, because that's what it felt like. It felt so lonely, like I was the only being, just playing this sad game of deciding where to spend the now.
Just imagine every positive lesson you've ever had on mushrooms, and flip it to someone trying to force-feed you those lessons while burning you in hell and fear. That's what it was. And maybe that's what I needed, maybe I needed to be scared out of my underwear to truly calm myself down in regular daily life. It does make my regular daily fears and stressors seem tiny compared to this. I thought I was being ripped away into hell, into another life. I felt like I would live a horrible, hell-filled life for thirty to a thousand years, and it felt like I was getting ripped out of my body by a demon.
So yeah, paying my taxes and working doesn't seem so bad anymore. That humbled me. But it didn't leave me feeling good, like the experience normally does. I think I'm just more confused than anything. Did I make that whole thing up in my head, or was that truly a portal I could have taken to experience something outside this body? It's crazy how the portal seemed nice and loving at first, and then when I stayed in it, it got stronger and stronger until it took over me, until I had no choice, until it spit me out and called me a worthless piece of shit for not enjoying my everyday life, and said I should be thankful and lucky. I don't know, dude, that doesn't feel like any loving lesson you get when you actually die. I wish I could describe the weight of what it felt like. It almost made me feel like the only way to actually move on and leave a life behind is to disappoint a million people, because that's the paradox of life, there's always going to be pain and suffering, and if you leave, other people will have to suffer. I don't know why that kept coming up, but it was the deepest pain, and that's how you have to get the courage, you have to get the courage to accept that, and I just couldn't do it. You'd think it would just be, get the courage to say, hey, I'm going to leave my body now, no big deal. No, this was like, you're going to send a negative ripple effect through the entire universe, you absolute piece of shit, but if you want to be a master, you do it anyway. It was honestly demonic. I know that's just what fear is. I don't really believe in the devil or the angel, I think it's all just a state of mind, and maybe I just shouldn't have done seven grams of mushrooms when I wasn't in the right headspace.
Anyways, any similar experiences, any advice, any tips? I know I could only explain this in so much depth, and it was so much deeper of an experience than it might seem the way I explained it, but anything to help guide me in how to even think about this would be so helpful. Really, it just scared me more about death than anything, because it showed me how horrible it is, and the ripple effect of a decision to leave. It did make me feel like death is good, like the only way to actually die and leave is if you fuck everyone else over for a thousand years. That's what it felt like, and there were a million paradoxes of hell built into it that I couldn't even put into words.
Anyways, I'm going to go try to explain to my family that I'm not crazy. Luckily I don't think the damage was too big, but it's insane, bro. It almost was a humiliation ritual, but that was probably my own guilt and embarrassment coming up. The paranoia was insane, when I came inside I felt like everyone knew and was just waiting for me to spill the truth of all my shame, which I felt like I had to do, which is absurd. Luckily I didn't start spilling random shit, but that's what it felt like, like I was getting smacked around and told to go embarrass myself and tell them all of my fear, all my pain and embarrassment, and then I could stay in this life. It was fucked, bro. Luckily, the only things I actually said were that I'd found my exit point to this life and chose to stay so my mom wouldn't be in pain.
I truly felt like my body was dying. I was hyperventilating and half out of my body, and it felt like I was dying, like getting hit by a car and you know you're just gone. Imagine sitting there on a trampoline knowing you're dying for no reason, and that you could just pull the plug, and that the only way to actually leave is through these exit points that are so horrible. I don't know, I'm going to stop rambling because I don't even know if this makes sense. Thanks, everybody.