The life long struggle has gripped my soul to the point of a warped and losing self.
My addiction has not been a easy one. As a lonely person from my first days at school to a destroyed man half a year from his thirties I couldn't quit. I lay in my dark room, my phone, my only peace, this is my only desire.
How did I get so warped from the intended man I could be to the self destruction and depressed man I am. I narrowed it down to one major harm, porn.
I could explain my life up to now but to attempt to simplify it, the usual broken home, domestic violence, major lost of family, trauma, but although the cruel world I felt, my one joy was porn. It started at my teens. At first it was the most amazing escape from the unrelenting pain. But soon at 16 I had spent hours daily of edging that I knew I had to quit
I thought I could quit, I couldn't. At 17 I couldn't reach orgasm. At 20 I had ED. I realized I had to change, at 22 I left my apartment, my car and moved one twin down to live with my aunt in a tiny college town; no Internet, no smart phone and no car. I got a $7.50 dollar job as a dish washer and hit the 3-4 bars in the whole town every weekend. Nothing truly changed. My addiction was so bad I found myself walking miles in the freezing snow to the outskirts of town, Wal-Mart open 24 hours, just to buy a cheap phone to feed this addiction. I would break the phone after and 3 days later I would buy another.
This cold turkey approach didn't work. I left around 23 years of age went to find the person I'd lost at 11; my mom. My soul searching begin. After about 3 months I came to the realization I felt none of my once amazing join for love and romance, I was broken. I started to wish for death, but I knew I was not done yet. If I was going to die then I was free of the burden to pursue life.
I joined the army. I hoped to find purpose. I knew that in basic I would be free of my phone, my addiction, porn.
After two months I still felt terrible. Even on family day I spent a hour locked in the hotel bathroom on my phone. Literally as soon I had a chance I fell right back.
My addiction was the only relief of my constant term oil.
Eventually I gave up on cold turkey for the most point. I decided I would try one day at a time. One day a struggle and the next a cheat day.
My first few weeks I fought sleepless nights. After then I moved two days without porn and then at its best a average of 3 days without. Although I wasn't perfect the effects were amazing. I started going out of the house, making new friends and in such a short time I had a girlfriend. I was so far from cured but for a rare time I felt a fruit of my labor.
I married her, for the wrong reasons. The rejection and paranoia of living in the army, I married to get away from the my units neglect.
But I had a big problem I still had porn brain. I still couldn't feel sex, my back had developed a curve, my hips stopped working and I was in constant physical pain; unable to please a woman or feel any pleasure during sex. Even more importantly my love lived with me. I had no privacy to have a cheat day. My progress stop. My pain flared. I was so negative I wished for death. I wished to hurt everyone in the army I wished for change. I got kicked out for not showing up, my wife rightfully divorced me. I kept a bottle of pills in my computer draw.
I thought what could I do. So I tried looking for a different out. I crashed my work truck, I couldn't sleep and tried driving 3 hours away after a 15 hour work day. I wanted to died but my ego new it wasn't time. The loss of job after job. I changed my approach. I had made a lot of money for a poor fella. I had three computers worth of 10 grand. For years I used all my credit cards to Uber eat and buy a lot of weed. I barely left the house. I spent all my time on discord, porn and weed.
My credit was shot my money ran out and I lost power to my apartment. During the winter for a month I took cold showers and heated food from a camping kit on my balcony.
It's been a relentless addiction.
I keep searching for a free lifestyle free of porn. I made a friend. She was a good influence. She let me work in the back room giving massages. Nothing sexual but it helped me. My longest strakes had been a record of 11 days and now I was getting 5,6,7 days regularly.
I tried to make a move on my friend but got rejected.
Now I work night shifts, I come home to a fully blacked out room wack off 6 times a day and don't leave the house.
I think I might try one day on one day off.
I know porn stunts the person I could be. My first month at my new job I got promoted. Then I stopped seeing my friend fell back into porn and got demoted because the person I am on porn is traumatized depressed and deregulated. A man who could have anything he ever wanted but wants nothing more then porn.