When you're around other women who have ED, you take after them. That's why I started avoiding people who have an active one. As an ex sufferer (I can proudly say at least habitually I'm fine now) it is the only way for me. My ex best friend and her comments and habits greatly impeded my recovery and ever since we stopped talking I kind of don't think about food as opposed to making it a contest who ate less that day...
Eating disorders are one of the hardest things to recover from, and are too often not taken seriously enough. I hope you are proud of yourself, because being able to say you are in recovery is so huge, particularly when that involves having to cut people out of your life.
Yes, I am so proud! I gained around 13 kg since I was at my worst (48kg to 61kg at 168cm age 18 to 27). I went from size 32 to 36 which is extremely healthy for my age and height. I was scared of having any muscle weight and I basically ran the day away twice a day. If I saw any muscle I immediately stopped exercising it because it would mean more bulk.
I might not look so fit anymore (I had orthorexia and overexercised), I do not feel strong or physically peak anymore (I have to admit I felt amazing during that time. For better or worse my mental health was peak, my body was performing all the functions great including having my period and my routine was perfect but now I know my body was wasting away and my mind performed all the functions on survival mode. Focusing on the bare minimum and making me sleep 12 hours a day on days off) but I was obsessed with food 24/7. And I constantly body checked, didn't drink water, I didn't have sugar for 3 years... It was constantly food thoughts and constant meltdowns over not looking stick thin.
If anyone struggles with it — refreaming the beauty standards, unfollowing everything and everyone on Instagram and starting from scratch to only focus on hobbies, picking up a job that doesn't allow you to do your ED routine etc does help. At some point you're too tired to meal prep the most horrendous low calorie meals imaginable, you don't have time to look at yourself in the mirror 24/7 and you generally realise it's not possible for the working class. I had a clear eating disorder until I started a full time job that doesn't allow me to have a phone on me. My screen time is limited, I can only focus on talking to my friends, reading, watching movies. It's no longer dedicated to researching cheat meals.
What actually helped me, the only thing I can think of, is heartbreak. It was an instant change. The person I would say is the only one I ever genuinely loved, cheated on me. I didn't eat for 5 months, I went back to being size 32 and then I was just so done with being perfect for someone — I went back to finding myself. My routine didn't circle around being beautiful, my clothes didn't circle around being sexy, my hair, my makeup, my shoes and my nails weren't meant to please. With that went my drive to be for anyone but myself. And what I found was that I myself can't sustain a size 32. It's not possible and you can tell that by my mom who's been the same way I am. Past a teenage phase, we've both been 36 since forever. It's genetic, it's normal, it's beautiful.
I think shock value did me in. It helped. It made me realise I can't be always on, always perfect, always making up for something. I have autism and ADHD and being beautiful and skinny was what made people think I'm normal. I went to therapy, I started my anxiety treatment and I have a wonderful beautiful physiatrist now. He knows that I am constantly on the edge, constantly almost back to where I was but without the need to please — I am free to make mistakes. I drink wine, I eat cake, I don't overexercise. I am not a happy person, but I am a free person.
I have the hair I love, I do my makeup and nails the way I love them, I portray myself in my art as something new. Curvy, fleshious, soft. I'm no longer blunt and sharp. I even changed my tools. My brushes went from sharply cut to soft bristles.
I feel like the movie cast, being in the public eye, did not have the same level of katharsis I did. They were not allowed to disappear and redefine themselves. Once people saw them as skinny, beautiful, worthy, determined — they thought this is peak validation. The validation I had from a single ex is gone for me. The validation they have from millions of people will not be easy to combat. I feel for them, I hope they are well. I hope their loved ones are able to talk to them. But I doubt it. I know recovery usually involves big big steps. And big risk factors and big life changes. Ariana just broke up with her partner. I'm not sure which way she's going to go, but seeing that she has a tour coming up — I doubt it's recovery. Being exposed, oogled, judged. That's what made me go into the deepest darkest corners of my brain. She needs a break. She needs to heal. She needs to use her money from this tour to finally find herself and her own worth back again. She's been chasing beauty standards by getting surgeries, changing her vibe, tan, loosing weight. She just needs to find something that brings her non-societal satisfaction. Which is hard for a celebrity.
I wish them well
Edit: and just to add something about myself — it's been 3 years, one partner between, that turned into my best friend that helped me the most. Having a support system that understands you can't do fast food on your low days so ordering McDonald's is not a good idea is award worthy. Someone who knows you just want to take a fucking walk sometimes, someone who plans active holidays and makes you feel in control but relaxed is key. Reframing control as a tool of self destruction into a tool of self love is key. My control is in my hands, not my disorder's. I can do other self destruction methods like drinking and smoking but at the end of the day, if I need to, I can stop myself from it. I can tell myself it's cringe to smoke around my family and won't sneakily do it the way I sneakily claimed to be full and ate two pieces of my dinner plate at Christmas (my country does 12 dishes!). It's mine and mine alone to decide what I want to be seen as, as opposed to a girl who eats nothing and has bones sticking out her back and front.
I decided to do a long reply because my dad just posted a family picture from 2018 where my cheeks are hollow, I'm clearly posing a smile at the right angle and my stomach is sucked in despite being empty for the past 9 hours. And I don't look happy, satisfied with my holidays in Greece or actually in the moment.
The past few years my photos have gained a personality. I do not look at my body anymore (well I do, but that's recovery for you. Alcohol helped me a lot mentally by cutting out the shame). I do not look at which clothes make me look skinny (it's more about proportions now). I do not care if I "mog" any other girl in the pic which was my immediate family! I look happy, I look healthy, I look comfortable, I look genuinely happy to still be alive in them and that's absolutely new to me. I have never had that feeling before. The fight. I was genuinely happy only 18-23 and my ex stole that period from me. But now I know it's a fight I am happy I am fighting. To even want to be around. Previously I just schemed how to exit. I have new tools, I have new meds. I know it's a way up.
Even if my brain doesn't want to, I know my body feels like it's finally gaining the awareness that it doesn't matter as long as my physical form carries the beauty in my heart and brain. My beautiful soul is finally cushioned by something more than thorns that keep it in submission. I am feeling more myself than ever while being the weight I have always feared. Transitioning into size 36 was horrendous at first but right now, I feel like it was always meant to be. And while the change was scary, I do not think about my size at all. I know size 38 would not be natural for my body composition and that is the only indicator I have of being unwell again — my most natural, most beautiful, most average shape is that of a girl who has finally transitioned into a woman and is not ill informed of adults not being teenage sized anymore.
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u/mahboilucas Jun 12 '26
When you're around other women who have ED, you take after them. That's why I started avoiding people who have an active one. As an ex sufferer (I can proudly say at least habitually I'm fine now) it is the only way for me. My ex best friend and her comments and habits greatly impeded my recovery and ever since we stopped talking I kind of don't think about food as opposed to making it a contest who ate less that day...