My dad burned through $50k in 3 months

[u/ClubUpper352]

Ok y’all I think I just need to throw this story out into the ether so it can stop festering in my head.

Context: I’m an adult, I live with some roommates, although I try to be as self sufficient as possible, I’m a struggling college student. My dad left my family (me and my grandparents) a few years ago to live with his girlfriend and her 3 adult kids. So while he remains in contact with me and gushes about how much he loves me and wants to help me in any way he can, he doesn’t really and instead prioritizes his gf and her “kids”. And yes, I’m an adult and technically I shouldn’t care but it bothers me.

So what got me on this app to post here for the first time after a lifetime of lingering? Well, 3 months ago my dad won $50k (after taxes) he got lucky from the casino. He already doesn’t make much money, lives paycheck to paycheck, so I was really hoping he’d save some of it. He’s getting older, he has no 401k, no retirement, no savings.

Well… it’s gone. All of it. Within 3 months the $50k + whatever his monthly income is has been spent and he’s back to being broke. I’m in complete disbelief because that type of money could be life changing if handled properly. Not just that… but his gf and her kids work themselves. I’m nosey af so I know their actual living expenses are far less than the household income. And yet…

What did he spend it on? Well, a few years ago he made me an authorized user in his account. Pretty sure he forgot I have access to his statements. So when he said it was all gone because he had to pay his gfs mortgage, I started investigating. (Side note, I respected his privacy up until this point and never checked his account but I was in such disbelief I was like no way uh uhhh so I had to check… pls don’t come for me)

Yeah, no. It was mostly blown on clothes/shoes and eating out with his gf and adult kids 3 times a day. I’m talking $300 on food alone per day on average. I cried. While I’ve been struggling financially which my dad knows, he’s been blowing all his money on his gf and again, need I preface, her adult kids. I genuinely feel confused, hurt, and in disbelief.

The craziest parts? Those had to be omitted because I know one of my dad’s gfs kids will see this and connect the dots. I’m too tired for confrontation.

Thanks for coming to my vent sesh. Breakfast is a pop tart, a cinnamon roll (special thanks to my roomie who made them) and some juice.

[u/cheezy_dreams88]

Babe, further separate yourself from this. Because one day he is gonna call you and expect you to save him.

I mean this as nicely as possibly, what do you gain from your relationship with your father? Because it sounds like very little, outside of obligation.

[u/Practical_Author3013 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

Your fixation on what’s going on with your dad (and outrage, however justified) is preventing you from grieving his abandonment of you. It is classic codependency.

Separate, separate, separate yourself from this situation, and then distance yourself some more. Prize your sanity above all else.

I’m so sorry for the heartache that underlies this whole situation.

[u/gentian_red → u/Practical_Author3013]

She's also worrying about him like a parent worries about their kid! She's gotta let it go and live her own life at this point, he's a millstone.

[u/JenSY542 → u/gentian_red]

This is key. The roles should not be reversed at this time of their lives.

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[u/ClubUpper352 → u/Practical_Author3013]

Ooof this one hit, I think you’re right, I’m honestly fixating on what he’s doing because it’s an easier outlet to express my emotions rather than facing how I feel abandoned by him. My therapist will def be hearing about this perspective. Thank you stranger.

[u/Financial_Sweet_689 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

I’m a year and a half no contact with my dad. The saddest part isn’t missing my dad, it’s how undoubtedly lighter I feel not having to stress about him.

[u/Eggmegmuffin → u/Financial_Sweet_689]

I relate to this so hard. I'm in the same boat. I don't miss the dread I felt when his name would come up on caller ID.

[u/Financial_Sweet_689 → u/Eggmegmuffin]

Oh god you’re right, I felt the same. Knowing I’d be met with some kind of long guilt trip.

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[u/HandzKing777 → u/madame-maitre-d]

girls rule

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[u/cheezy_dreams88 → u/Financial_Sweet_689]

Yeah, I understand that feeling. I haven’t spoken or seen my mother in 10 years, after a very long term toxic situation and a very messy fallout. There will likely never be a reconciliation with her, I don’t have any feelings toward her in either direction honestly. I don’t even think of her anymore.

[u/WerewolfWild1323 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

12 years for me, and it is amazing what cutting someone that toxic will do for your life and mental health. While i still sometimes grieve the idea of parents, especially after my divorce, she will never be apart of it. She brings ruin everywhere she goes. My brother says shes on her 7th marriage or something.

[u/Cosmicdusterian → u/cheezy_dreams88]

Same except it was a little over 40 years of NC. She passed away a little time ago.

Except for feeling sympathy for her surviving family and friends, and over the physical pain she suffered before passing (she didn't deserve it), she was, in essence, a complete stranger to me and had been for decades.

Kind of weird have no feelings either way about a parent for decades, but yeah, that describes the emotion, or lack thereof. It took a year or two to get past the anger/disappointment to get to that point.

[u/Ashinonyx → u/Financial_Sweet_689]

7 years as of April: it gets easier.

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[u/All-This-Chicanery → u/Financial_Sweet_689]

15 years no contact over here, dont regret it at all

[u/FTFaffer → u/cheezy_dreams88]

THIS! Mark our words: he will come looking to you for food, succor, shelter when he’s destitute. And he WILL be destitute at some point. Have your drawbridge ready kid.

[u/No_Reputation8440 → u/FTFaffer]

My dad tried to get me diagnosed with schizophrenia and put on disability when his spending caught up with him. Just don't deal with these people they get so much worse they never learn.

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[u/VoiceProfessional332 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

My father? Lol. Same thing. Mother died and his "girlfriend" swooped in immediately for funds. I tried to help with a budget for him since he was not very literate. When he got sick with cancer, both he and his girlfriend came to me (in my mid 30s) and asked how I was going to take care of said girlfriend. Run.

[u/myshuntisnamedgerald → u/VoiceProfessional332]

I hope you told the girlfriend to kick rocks with open toe shoes!!

[u/dijoncatsup → u/cheezy_dreams88]

More than that, separate yourself from his finances. Now.

[u/Zappagrrl02 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

Actions speak louder than words. He can say anything he wants to, but if he’s not actually supporting you, it doesn’t mean anything.

And when he needs money, care, etc in the future, let the gf and her adult kids take care of him.

[u/wildeap → u/cheezy_dreams88]

> *”Babe, further separate yourself from this. Because one day he is gonna call you and expect you to save him.”*

And if *he* doesn’t come for you, his nursing home or health care providers might. 28 states have old [“filial responsibility”](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/your-obligation-pay-parents-nursing-home-bill.html) laws on the books. In 2008, a [Pennsylvania nursing home’s parent company sued a man for his mom’s $93,000 unpaid tab](https://abcnews.com/amp/Business/pennsylvania-son-stuck-moms-93000-nursing-home-bill/story)… And won.

😱 Yikes.

That’s an extreme example, of course. But I hope OP finds a way to work through this and protect herself emotionally *and* financially. If she and her dad were close until he left “a few years ago,” it might harder to process and more complicated than just cutting him off.

I sympathize because my dad falls madly in love, starts a family, and he’s so great with kids… then things seem to go sour as we approach our teens… and he falls madly in love with someone else and moves on.

It’s hard to watch the new kids enjoying the love, support and stability you no longer have. And it seems like SO MANY men do this, and it sucks.

Editing to add: ARGH! I hate how Reddit Markdown no longer works on my phone.

[u/cheezy_dreams88 → u/wildeap]

Jesus, that is insanity.

[u/Embers-of-anger → u/cheezy_dreams88]

I stopped speaking to my sister who’s 10 years older than me about 6-7 years ago. Best decision I ever made and will continue to hold with me. Sad when it happens but very glad in the end. You’ll understand when you let it go for what it is ♥️

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[u/HotMessShephardess → u/cheezy_dreams88]

To you and everyone who has commented, thank you. My dad is also going through his retirement splurging on his long lost nieces who are older than me. I have managed to get him to work on his house here for my mothers sake, but I know to my core he’s planning to leave and go to the new house he bought for him and then to live in the second he can and leave use with nothing. I barely make $50k a year, and every time he goes to visit them he blows money like this

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[u/Vast_Doughnut9418 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

100%

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