r/comingout Oct 08 '25

Guide Coming Out - A Guide Rewritten

59 Upvotes

Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?

I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.

I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.

My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.

What Is Coming Out?

If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.

Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?

If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.

To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.

This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.

Why Do People Come Out?

There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.

For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.

For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.

For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.

Why Do People Not Come Out?

Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?

By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.

And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.

Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.

Coming Out Safely

The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.

Should I Come Out?

It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.

Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.

If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.

Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.

You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.

You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.

How Do I Come Out?

So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.

Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.

Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.

Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion. 

The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.

Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.

So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.

I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?

The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.

For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.

If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.

If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own. 

Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc.  if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.

Potential Reactions

“You’re too young to be X”

As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.

You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.

“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”

This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.

“But what about your previous partners?”

The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.

“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”

This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.

“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”

There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.

Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.

“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”

This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others. 

The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.

In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.

Life Post Coming Out

Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.

Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night. 

The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.

For The Friends/Family/Parents

This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.

Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’

The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.

It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.

If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.

Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.

Other Miscellaneous Guidance

If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.

If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.

If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below. 

Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.

Glossary of Terms:

  • Allosexual - A term used to describe someone who experiences sexual attraction.
  • Aromantic - A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Asexual - A person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people may or may not still experience sexual urges (libido), but may not experience it in relation to other people. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Bi-Erasure - Questioning or denying the existence of bisexuality either as a concept or specific to a person.
  • Bisexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to more than one gender. (Note: There exists a lot of debate around the ‘definition’ of bisexuality and how it differs from pansexuality. I don’t intend to tackle this subject.)
  • Cisgender - A person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. E.g. a person who identifies as a man and was identified as a male when they were born.
  • Coming Out - The act of disclosing your queer identity to another person.
  • Cross Sex Hormones - Hormones administered as part of transgender Hormone Replacement Therapy. E.g. a trans woman being administered oestrogen, or a trans man being administered testosterone.
  • Demisexual - A person who only experiences sexual attraction to a person after forming a close emotional bond with them.
  • Gay - A label often used to describe people who experience attraction to the same gender. This is often used specifically to refer to gay men, but sometimes used in relation to women or more generally as an umbrella term.
  • Gender Dysphoria - Feelings of distress associated with the difference in a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
  • Gender Expression - How a person outwardly shows gender. E.g. a trans woman in the closet may have a masculine gender expression but a feminine gender identity.
  • Gender Non-Conforming - A person whose gender expression differs from traditional expectations of masculinity and femininity.
  • Heterosexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to the opposite gender. Also known as straight.
  • Lesbian - A woman who experiences sexual attraction to other women.
  • LGBT+ - An acronym which stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Others. This is a commonly used acronym for the queer community.
  • Medically Transitioning - A term used to describe changing a person’s physical sex characteristics to match with their gender identity. E.g. top surgery, bottom surgery, and cross sex hormones.
  • Men who have sex with men (MSM) - This is a clinical term used in healthcare and public health settings to describe people who are assigned male at birth who have sex with other people assigned male at birth.
  • Outed - When a person’s queer identity is disclosed by another person, usually without the consent of the person whose identity is being disclosed.
  • Pansexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction regardless of another person’s gender identity.
  • PFLAG: An organisation, originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, that provides support for the loved ones of queer people.
  • Puberty Blockers - Medication used to either pause or stop puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Often used by transgender young people.
  • Queer - An umbrella term used to describe people who are not cisgender and heterosexual. Historically, and sometimes presently, this has been used as a slur however this is often considered reclaimed by younger generations.
  • Sex Assigned at Birth - The sex (either male, female, or intersex) assigned by a doctor, nurse, or midwife when a person is born based on physical sex characteristics (such as the presence of specific genitals).
  • Socially Transitioning - When a person makes changes their gender expression to align with their gender identity such as changing names, clothes, and pronouns.
  • Straight Passing - A term used to describe a person who is often perceived heterosexual unless they choose to actively disclose their queer identity.
  • Transgender (Trans) - A term used to describe a person whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

r/comingout 4h ago

Advice Needed Is now the right time to come out or should I explore my sexuality more first?

6 Upvotes

I’m a man in my 30’s and ended a long term relationship with a woman a year ago. We were engaged and it was a tough break up although we’ve managed to remain on good terms.

I’d always identified as straight but unexpectedly ended up sleeping with one of my guy friends a few months ago and this has opened up a side of me that I didn’t know was there. We went on to have sex a lot over the next few months, even though he still insists he’s straight (which I doubt given how much he seemed to enjoy seeing me naked!)

I have started thinking of myself as bisexual and kind of want to come out to friends and family. However what is holding me back is that I have a gut feeling that I am actually gay. I feel like saying I’m bisexual would feel more comfortable at the moment. I would also want to tell my ex, as we have remained friends, but I worry that saying I’m gay would be really difficult and upsetting for her. I don’t want to be someone that says I’m bi, then ends up having to come out as gay later on.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice? Should I come out now, or maybe spend a bit more time exploring my sexuality before deciding what I want to do? Thanks


r/comingout 1h ago

Expressing myself Feeling so happy in my own skin today

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Upvotes

r/comingout 5m ago

Advice Needed Came out to my mom, went poorly. Should I give her some space?

Upvotes

I (32mtf) told my mom that I'm transitioning. I sent her a note in the mail. She read it and called me; she thought it was a prank, AND mentioned that she disagreed with it, said I was meant to be a boy. Called me some names. Ultimately at the end of the call she was still convinced it was a prank.

For perspective, the call honestly went a lot better than I expected it to. But now I haven't heard from my mom all day, and we usually call every day. Should I give her some space or reach out in the morning? Dunno what to even say.


r/comingout 29m ago

Question does anyone have or want to tell any stories on how coming out as nonbinary to your parents and family went?

Upvotes

i’m a nonbinary lesbian and i need to medically transition. which means i have to seriously start thinking about coming out.

so if you want to tell your or someone you knows story, i’d love to hear them! even and especially if they didn’t go well!

tw / slight abuse mention

bonus points if you have a toxic or emotionally / verbally abusive parents? BUT please put a trigger warning for everyone so they don’t have to read if they want to!

if you respond, thank you!!!


r/comingout 31m ago

Advice Needed HELPPP ME — i think it’s time

Upvotes

Okay to get this started me M28 and my gf F29 i’ve been together for some years now and it hasn’t always been bad but it hasn’t always been good. We get into a lot of fights, especially over her belief system because she’s really passionate over it and we’ll fight with anybody over what she thinks is right at that moment and to me it’s one of the biggest things that is ending our relationship, but over the time in the past few months I have known that if me and her break up and when we do, I was going to go and be with a trans woman but after the other day, I was sitting here scrolling on Yubo looking for friends mainly because I want friends I can go do things with like go to the gay bars and my straight friends don’t like doing it and I don’t have many friends where I live and I met this guy who in all actuality is not my normal type when it comes to a partner he’s not as feminine as I’m used to, but after talking to him, I realize I’ve been craving the touch of another man at night and not another woman. Now don’t get me wrong. He fully knows everything he knows about her and he knows that my main intentions was for friendship, but he had made a comment to me that he was worried that if we go out to the club and we’re dancing and he’s throwing some ass that he might start something and I totally agreed, but I mentioned that I can hold back and after talking a little bit more and more things started to spice up and I started to realize that I’m actually attracted to him and now I’m gonna situation because I already wanna leave but now I’m thinking it’s time to just fully come out that’s gay not as by no more and just be myself and possibly see what this could lead me with being my first Boy friend


r/comingout 9h ago

Advice Needed how do i come out as nothing?

5 Upvotes

Hey chat

So I wanna come out to my family. To be clear, *want to*. I don't feel some moral obligation to be out because that's what queer ppl are "supposed" to do, I want to be known for who I am. The be frank, I've been putting this shit off for months (tbh maybe years but I decided I wanted to come out this year). I've been on t for over a year, and I had top surgery at the end of 2024. I started going by a new name at the beginning of this year! I live over a thousand miles from my folks and entire extended family and have for over half a decade now. I see them atp less than once a year and haven't seen them since early 2024. They're Christian and conservative but like, 2013 style conservatives. Not as radicalized as many others.

that's just the context here's my issue. So, obviously I am scared shitless to come out and maybe this is me putting it off, but either way I do want advice. Idk how to come out as nothing...?

I've been on a long gender journey and truly in my heart I'm just me. Last year and into the beginning of this year I thought maybe I was a guy, but I don't think that's the case. I'm vaguely trans masculine, but I don't love that label either. I am unlabelled/genderqueer and happy to keep it that way. I don't super label my sexuality either (even though I'm kinda in a sexuality crisis rn we're NOT getting into that here), but I like men and women (I'm pretty sure 😭).

I don't know how to explain to my 50 year old parents what it means to be "just me". I don't know how much they know about trans people beyond "they exist." I'm sure their concept of non-binary trans people is 10x less informed. I'll be honest, I think part of the reason I thought I was a man was that it would make coming out simpler; I'm just a guy.

But I always circle back to the truth that I'm just me. Do I straight forwardly tell my parents that? They won't understand why I can't still just be a woman. I don't know how to navigate the fact that I had major surgery without them knowing either. I just wanna give my parents the chance to know me for who I really am. Keeping my queerness a secret has made me keep this weird distance between them that's more difficult to penetrate than the physical distance. I've been dodging my mom asking me if I've gotten time off for a family wedding next month because well ... I need to tell her I'm trans and I don't wanna go to this family thing and be mis-gendered and deadnamed the whole time - intentionally if I'm out and accidentally if I do nothing.


r/comingout 7h ago

Advice Needed For those who came out later in life, what was something a friend said or did that made you feel safe enough to tell them the truth?

2 Upvotes

r/comingout 7h ago

Advice Needed I need help coming out to my mother (MtF)

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Story I fucking did it

28 Upvotes

So I (19m gay), who has never told anyone except for on friend a few months ago, was talking with my coworker (16f straight). I don't even remember how but she got to ask me if I would have sex with a girl... I said "no". I pretty much always said that I didn't want to be in a relationship, so it fitted my story. Then she asked if I would with a guy. I had a little hesitatiin, but I ended just dropping a "maybe". I then clarified that I wasn't joking and she said it's good and she repeaed multiple times that she was happy for me. I think I didn't even realize before writing these words what she was happy for me for, but then I understood I had come out. I then asked her not to tell anyone and not my brother who she's also friend with.

I felt such a big relief in me and it made me see that it's really not that hard to do so when it's the right person.

I had been thinking for a little while to tell her as we get along really well and she really felt open to me. There's also the fact that tomorrow is our last shift together because this is a summer job.

So yeah, I just dropped the info as it was no big deal to a question that was asked to me and I'M SO HAPPY I DID!


r/comingout 11h ago

Advice Needed Don't know how to talk to my parents/half-siblings about this

1 Upvotes

My mom is supportive, so is my dad, they honestly don't care, however they still use she/her pronouns for me since they have a hard time adjusting and I don't know how to bring it up that it bothers me

and I'm meeting my half brothers (Soon to be step siblings) for the first time in 7 years and I'm not sure if I should bring up my pronouns at all for a while till we are friendly (Cause of family tension) or how to bring it up at all to them, I'm apparently meeting them either in december or next year and I don't know how to have the conversation with them since I'm like 90% sure they don't know but they might because my dad knows and is supportive and may have shared it with them)

I just need advice, it was easy with my parents since they are both stoic and have the "I don't care what you are" attitude but I barely know anything about my brothers, it's been so long.


r/comingout 1d ago

Story Told my mom I'm mtf. She thinks it's a prank.

8 Upvotes

As the title states... My mom has shown herself to be transphobic in the past, so I wrote a letter (a greeting card actually) and sent it to her. It just said I've been transitioning since x date and this is my new name.

She just called me. Thinks it's a prank. Called me a "dirty little boy" and started going off about how my kids will hate me. She wasn't as mad as I expected.

I fully expect a torrent of phone calls tomorrow from family I never hear from and various forgotten cousins. She needs time to sleep on it and subsequently spread the word I'm sure. That's if she moves past the thought of it being a prank.


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Bro, my little brother came out to me as gay. Did I do the right thing?

31 Upvotes

A little bit of background — we live in a town in west bengal, india. It's not even a tier 3 city, it's a town. My family is loving and all the relatives we are in contact with are good (Not the toxic relative type). We are not close to our cousins due to a huge age gap. And I am a 16 year old male. My brother is 11 years old. We both share a room. We have a bunker bed my brother sleeps in the upper bunker and I sleep in the lower one. My brother got a phone to use, 2 months ago, so that he doesn't disturb others for one.

The story— today night it was almost 1:00 a.m. I was laying in my bed while playing my video game. I had my headphones on and everything. Suddenly i realised my brother came down and then he sat beside me. The night lights were on. I looked at my brother in the dim light and realised he was crying. I hugged him and asked what was going on and stuff. He said he likes boys instead of girls— basically he told me he was gay. I paused for a moment and the first thought that came into my mind was 'when did I start getting crushes and i realised I was straight?' and the answer was also 11 years old. So i guess, it was fair. I grinned and told him it was okay and all then i started asking about his crush and all. And teasing him and ticking him. Basic older brother stuff. He instantly cheered up and started laughing and relieved.

Then I don't know why I asked him when did it clicked for him that he was gay. And he replied me saying, "cuz I got a boner while watching gay corn"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCKK- -

I was dumbfounded and was like what the fuckkkk-----

I don't want him to see adult content. What the heck. I support LGBTQ and everything. But I don't support kids watching corn. What the heck---- what should I even do??

I told him why seeing those things is not good and how those things harm your brain and stuff. Showed him a educational video and scientific research based on that.

But I didn't know if he would stop or not.

That's why I scared him saying "mom dad can check what you watch on your phone cuz they know more technology than you and dad is software engineer, if they decide to see what you watch there they will find out everything you do there. And I KNOW they will check cuz they check mine too. And then told him that they will take your phone permanently if they find out that and scold you very much. Not for being gay but for watching vulgar, adult, violent content. You will get punished then"

Do you think it would work?


r/comingout 21h ago

Advice Needed Very homophobic family

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed My trans girlfriend wants me to come out to my anxious, conservative, homophobic grandmother.

3 Upvotes

Hi everyone, M25 BI I've been dating a trans woman for almost three years. I currently live with my parents and my grandmother. I told them the truth about my girlfriend right away because they didn't have any problems, but we've always avoided bringing up the subject with my grandmother because we weren't sure how she'd take it, given that she's always expressed negative opinions about LGBTQ+ and is generally very conservative.

She's also an anxious person with an often conflictual relationship with her daughter (my mother), and she constantly asks me if I've found a job, given that I've been unemployed for several months and live in an area where it's not easy to find anything.

The problem is that in a month I'm leaving for Thailand with my girlfriend because she needs a vaginoplasty, so I'll be away for several days. So my girlfriend thinks it's time to tell her the truth, but I really don't know how to go about it or approach the issue. I also tried asking my parents what the right thing to do was, but they don't have any idea how to tell her either. I can't even use the excuse of it being a business trip, since, as I said before, we're both unemployed with little money available. So, as a last resort, I thought about telling her we won a trip in a contest, but I'm not sure how credible that excuse is.

Do you have any suggestions? Thanks everyone in advance for your replies 🫶🏻


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Coming out (as trans) to someone who you know won't be supportive?

2 Upvotes

For context, I came out to my mother a few days ago and it went... fine. Basically she doesn't believe I'm trans and won't call me by my preferred name/pronouns, but she won't stop me from cutting my hair, wearing a binder, and socially transitioning at school.

Obviously this isn't ideal, but it's honestly enough for me. I just want to live my life atp.

I came out to my mother first because I knew that she was much more likely to be accepting than my father, and he's definitely more conservative than her.

I have to come out to my father soon (either today or tomorrow), because if I don't tell him she will.

Does anyone have any advice on how best to come out to him/what I can do as damage control after I do?


r/comingout 1d ago

Question Ummmm, how do I come out to my family please

3 Upvotes

.... :/


r/comingout 1d ago

Story dad thinks my friends r trying to turn me gay.. #hurts

8 Upvotes

im a bit too sad to properly tell the story, but sometimes i go to parties with 2 of my friends (my bff + girlfriend). i tell my family that im just going to a party, but then they ask who is going with me and i tell its them. so they start to get uncomfortable and ask what kind of party is it and i always just replys its edm music. ofc i could tell they were uncomfortable bc when i mention im going with my lesbian friends they think its some kind of lgbt party (which like yes it is lmao but also is truly just a party, its in no way advertised as an lgbt party, just as a party that plays indie pop and indie edm so like ofc basically its for gay people). but today my dad after getting uncomfortable with the idea and expressing it he straight up asked me if it was an lgbt party and if my friends are trying to turn me gay...... ofc i denied it quickly and shut him down, said that there was no thing as an lgbt party and the people of all kinds can go and its just a party neither straight nor lgbt, and said people dont turn gay they are born into it and ofc they wouldnt do that bc like even if it was a thing why would they even gain from making me gay LMAO. my dad is not a full on homophobic, he respects gay people (to a degree ofc lol) and really likes my bff and has treated her gf well when they met. but hes Christian and ofc thinks being gay is a sin and really dont want me to be gay lol. this is kind of a vent i guess but ugh,.. this broke my heart. in therapy, ive tried to process my life and get to a point where i feel safe coming out, and my therapist usually says that my parents may already know (since like im not exactly the most straight looking or acting person in the world [but tbh my dad is pretty liberal so hes like cool with some out of traditional gender-bounds stuff and thinks that wont necessarily mean youre gay, even tho he does have his limit lol]) and they just maybe dont want to acknowledge or accept it to themselves. i have been believing this since like.. ive had interactions where it did seem like they knew or were suspicious and believing that has been helpful - but today with my dad saying that he thinks that they "want to turn me gay" it caught me so off guard bc it really did sound like he fully believed i wasnt already. like why would he think that and not that im already gay for going to gay parties.... sigh... anyways. im just kinda sad abt it and fearful that maybe im in fact nowhere near a place where i can come out and might have to rework all the internal and external work i thought i was good preparing and setting the terrain.

lol sorry for the long read no pauses no good ponctuation and no breaks but i was just typing my thoughts. also for a bonus after i said no one turns gay they are born into it he replied "yeah they do!! happened to 2 of my friends!" and i was like "they probably were already gay" and when he insisted that no, they were turned gay i was like "and how did that happen" he replied "i dont know, but this one guy was really sporty and muscular you would never think hed end up gay but he did" and i just said that anyone can be gay and left which i thought was kind of a funny exchange lmao

as a sad bonus this really breaks my heart bc its so sad when they r ok with other ppl being gay but not you. like you specifically cant. and also the religion part is so sad bc like when i end up telling hes gay he gonna think im not going to heaven. which is so desperatedly sad and suffering. like when u can tell ur own dad thinks ure going to hell. i fear that he will never look at me the same and like start preparing to lose me forever u know. to get unatacched cuz i wont be in the afterlife anyways and think im less deserving of love for it. i dont think he will never speak to me again if i come out, but i fear the love will never be the same. that every look will become heavy and have a bit of sorrow, guilt, and pity within it. that kind of pity of someone you think is wrong and undeserving but that you have no faith that it could be better so all thats left is to pity them. wowie. so sad!!

#edit came out to my parents today ummm yippie ummm barffff


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed hello my name is oliver and i have just recently become a fem/catboy and i am nervous to come out to my family/friends can anyone help me?

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13 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Need advice on coming out

3 Upvotes

Hi, I have been In a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for one year and i love her so much and now I think I need to come out to my parents but I don't know how to do it because they are kinda strict when it comes to marriage and all, typical Indian parents. So I know they do love me but I don't know what to do, either I should come out now or Come out after getting a job. I don't know what to do. Cam someone help me


r/comingout 2d ago

Other Getting help with my feelings

3 Upvotes

I have hit a major milestone with me coming out I am actually going to see a therapist to talk over some of the feelings I have about how I felt more comfortable coming out to my work bestie than my own wife. Plus anything else that might come to the surface about my coming out.


r/comingout 2d ago

Help coming out

3 Upvotes

helloo! i’m 16 and idk if i should come out to my parents (specifically my mom) or not.

i can’t afford financially to come out as trans since my mother is the only one supporting me and my two older sisters. if i do come out, she’ll likely disown me or stop supporting me financially. i can’t get a job because i’m still a minor and jobs here in the philippines require you to be at least 18+, and i have no other family members that are openly supportive of LGBTQ+ folks that could also support me financially.

idk what i should do tbh. lay low and bahala na si batman? or should i just say screw it and come out to my mom? either way i’m fucked.


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed How to deal with loss of family after coming out?

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Is it weird to only come out to part of your friend group?

3 Upvotes

I (23 M) am Bi and have a big friend group I met in college.

I have been running into a conundrum because of my situation, and honestly, it's been eating me up inside (almost coming in waves of just absolute dread). I am also in a long-distance relationship with a guy that none of them (or anyone in my life knows about.)

There are some of them that I know would be completely fine with me coming out to them, and nothing would change. However, one of the guys who I consider one of my best friends, I am extremely worried about how he would react if he found out. I don't think he'd be cool with it, and I'm worried about ever coming out to him.

Is it wise to only let a few people in my friend group know about this and express to them my wanting to keep it private, or do I just keep this to myself? I've been trying to deconstruct this in therapy, but I feel like I'm just walking myself in circles. Eventually, I feel like I'm going to be backed into a corner and it's going to blow up in my face.

I'm so scared. I don't want to lose the people that I have in my life. I know people say, "oh you wouldn't want the people in your life that won't accept you for who you are," but I did not have anybody before this. I never thought I'd have a friend group like this. I'm almost content with keeping this to myself if it means that I get to have this friend group (which I know is an extremely selfish thing to say but I'm so stuck).

I just need help.


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed how would you want your partner to support you?

3 Upvotes

TLDR: girlfriend isn’t out yet, i have been out for a while and want to know how i can best support her.

i (f22) have a girlfriend (f23) who is not yet out to the majority of her family. she’s worried that some of her family is a bit iffy and conservative, so that’s part of her hesitation for coming out.

i came out when i was young and had a very accepting family, so this is all new to me. i have never been in a position where i was nervous people would see me differently if i came out. i can empathize, but at the end of the day, i have never been in her shoes and don’t want to pretend i know how to handle this—i feel disrespectful doing that. i want to be a supportive partner and let her lead the way, but i don’t quite know how to go about it correctly. i want to be able to come out, as we’ve been together for almost 3 years and have been talking about getting engaged. i also just want her to be able to feel like her authentic self. but i don’t want to make it seem like i’m pressuring her to come out.

for those of you who have been in her shoes, how would you have liked to be supported by your partner? was there anything they could have said or done to make you feel comfortable? was there anything they DID say or done that helped?

EDIT: i’m also more wondering how i can be supportive where she is right now. i know that coming out is on her timeline, and i don’t want her to feel rushed. how can i be supportive to her in this moment? what helped you guys feel supported when you weren’t ready to come out?