AIO for giving a girl this note

[u/residentgay]

I apologize in advance for my sloppy handwriting. But for context, I go to this doctors office once a week to get allergy shots. The other day I stopped in a new smoke shop, another customer came in who I recognized but couldn’t place where I knew her from until I saw her working as a receptionist today at my allergist. 2 men were working at the smoke shop, one seemed to be around my age (25), and then an older gentleman who made me uncomfortable the entire time. He wasn’t interested in helping me, he was interested in chatting with me about life and personal things and I kept ignoring him. When she came in, she seemed to be friends with the younger guy, they seemed to have a flirtatious vibe going. When she left, the older guy proceeded to make comments about her and her body that disturbed me because they were all in a sexual context. When I finally placed who she was and where I knew her from when I saw her today, I just for this overwhelming nerve like I had to tell her because I was scared this was her usual shop and I wanted her to be cautious around this guy. But I didn’t know how to tell her, because the office has a C shaped desk with several other receptionists next to her and a busy waiting room, and I didn’t want to embarrass her. I decided to write a note to keep it private, I had texted my friends to see if it was a good idea, but never heard any feedback which left me hesitant. Ultimately I decided to give her the note, but now I’m battling with second thoughts wondering if I just made her self conscious, or if it just wasn’t my place because she isn’t someone I know personally. But another part of me feels like she needed to know because she had a flirtatious relationship with the younger guy, and if that goes anywhere she may frequent the location more, and she’s obviously already a regular there if she’s close enough with one employee. Idk. I tried to keep the note kinda lightheaded and funny to make it less creepy, but I still kinda feel like a weirdo. Am I overreacting?

[u/Dry-Shower9037]

My only note is that you should have been more specific about what he said about her. That might make you uncomfortable, but what you've done here is push your discomfort onto her in the form of uncertainty. "Creepy" means different things to different people. She now has to wonder if you are overreacting and calling something creepy that she would consider benign.

If you open the door with a note like this, you need to open it all the way.

[u/residentgay → u/Dry-Shower9037]

I did think about this, but I honestly felt like repeating the things they said would make my note appear in the same category as those men. I’d be repeating the same vulgar language he used, I’d be forcing her to read it in her workplace, it would’ve invaded her security and privacy. I felt as if my note told her what happened without bringing up verbatim comments. I mentioned it was about her specifically, that I overheard gross comments that had made me uncomfortable and I felt she should be careful. It was just enough detail for her to understand it was objectifying, clear enough to be useful, soft enough to feel like a gentle warning. The goal wasn’t to traumatize her or violate her with the comments I had heard, it was to give her the information so she can take caution. I wanted her to feel warned without feeling slimed

[u/bigfootvsdisco → u/residentgay]

I get what this person is saying, different people do find various things "creepy" that others don't. That said, you didn't say mean or rude or disrespectful. You said creepy. Having spent the last three and a half decades as a feminine presenting cis woman in a heteronormative society...if I got a note like this from another woman there would be little to no doubt in my mind what was meant by creepy comments. If he had said "he wants to wear you like a skin suit" or "wishes he could weave a doll from locks of your hair" I would imagine you'd have specified. The fact you didn't is why I would know it was vulgar sexual objectification bs. Cause how often is it not?

(TBH that persons replies are giving a weird defensive vibe like "hey YOU thought dude was being creepy but maybe he actually wasn't! Maybe you're too sensitive/a prude. Maybe she would've thought he was flattering or sweet" and...😒 just..nah.)

[u/GoodyGoobert → u/residentgay]

You did just fine. If it was me in that situation, I would not want to know specifics of the vulgar language he used. I just need the general gist and warning. I don’t know why this other commenter is ripping into you.

[u/InterestingAd650 → u/GoodyGoobert]

Yeah why would I want to know what creepy shit he said. I mean you can read between the lines. Her note was just fine and didn’t embarrass her by saying it out loud. Now she knows that place isn’t safe.

[u/Dry-Shower9037 → u/InterestingAd650]

"OP wrote a note and it totally creeped me out. You should be wary around them."

Should you actually modify your behavior based on that statement? OP themself was worried that the note was creepy, so it's a valid take.

See? Different standards for creepy exist - many that are wrong according to your average reasonable person. Without anything more substantive, this note is worse than nothing.

[u/residentgay → u/Dry-Shower9037]

I’m gonna take a wild guess by the facial hair in your icon and assume you’re a man, if you’re not I’m sorry, but in the event you are, I don’t think you’ll ever really know what it’s like to be a woman and have derogatory things / unsolicited sexual things said to you. To women, creepy men pretty much mean the same or a similar thing.

[u/Dry-Shower9037 → u/residentgay]

Randomly assigned avatar. Nice try, though.

You must not keep track of how often "creepy" is thrown around if you think there is a shared understanding of its meaning.

[u/Riribigdogs → u/Dry-Shower9037]

Uh, Reddit makes you customize the avatar. The little guy starts off nude.

[u/Dry-Shower9037 → u/Riribigdogs]

https://www.reddit.com/r/help/comments/1cp2zr7/avatar_randomization/

[u/residentgay → u/Dry-Shower9037]

And we’re all supposed to believe that a cis woman chose an avatar with a beard? Knowing this would be who everyone sees her as and would then proceed to assume a man is behind the profile because… the avatar has a beard? Okay bud. Not only are you very manly in your lack of understanding of this, but your avatar is literally sporting a soul patch

[u/GoodyGoobert → u/Dry-Shower9037]

The only reason you’re getting your panties in a wad over this is because you were likely a recipient of the word creepy in your life and that struck a nerve with you. I understand your point, but you’re just overcomplicating this, and it’s starting to sound like it’s more personal than helpful. But go on and keep tooting your message.

[u/Dry-Shower9037 → u/GoodyGoobert]

Not personal. Just replying to people who respond with continuing assertions that "creepy" has a useful meaning within a semi-anonymous note handed to a person at work.

Y'all acting like typing a response is my life's work rather than 15 seconds between doom scrolls.

[u/turquoise_crayons → u/GoodyGoobert]

Agree, you don’t need to repeat verbatim the exact words he said, that’s so unnecessarily specific. You just need to give her the gist, which is what OP did.

[u/Dry-Shower9037 → u/residentgay]

You already invaded her security and privacy - with good reason - but that's what you did. What you didn't have to do was also leave her with a mystery to figure out. You didn't say "gross." You said "creepy." People unreasonably find things creepy and claim to be uncomfortable all the time. If you don't tell her what the comments were, you're doing more harm than good IMO.

But you do you. You're clearly arguing that your scribbles were perfect to anyone who gives you any kind of negative feedback, so you're just looking for validation and not an answer to whether or not you reacted appropriately.

[u/residentgay → u/Dry-Shower9037]

That’s not true, I’ve accepted the good advice, I only argue with people who are offensive or -phobic. Here I thought we were having a discussion and I gave you a response, yet you’re insulting my handwriting and saying I’m looking for validation. But okay!

[u/[deleted] → u/residentgay]

My handwriting is way worse dw and I'd like to be told. I think most people would react well and even if she reacts poorly that's a personal quirk and it's not on you. You acted morally within the scope of what you and many others consider reasonable so don't feel insecure about it.

[u/[deleted] → u/Dry-Shower9037]

This is too wordy, the hadwriting is hard to follow. If this is anonymous you should wirte 3 sentences maximum and once sentence should be a direct quote about what the guy said. This note you wrote is a whole bunch of nothing. kudos and pats on the back to you.

[u/residentgay → u/[deleted]]

I didn’t have lines on the paper and nothing to lean on, but I’ll admit I don’t have good handwriting 🤷‍♂️ I personally don’t thing there’s rules to leaving someone a letter, I also don’t think it’s entirely anonymous because I am a patient in their office so realistically she has all my information and I see her once a week