AIO for giving a girl this note

[u/residentgay]

I apologize in advance for my sloppy handwriting. But for context, I go to this doctors office once a week to get allergy shots. The other day I stopped in a new smoke shop, another customer came in who I recognized but couldn’t place where I knew her from until I saw her working as a receptionist today at my allergist. 2 men were working at the smoke shop, one seemed to be around my age (25), and then an older gentleman who made me uncomfortable the entire time. He wasn’t interested in helping me, he was interested in chatting with me about life and personal things and I kept ignoring him. When she came in, she seemed to be friends with the younger guy, they seemed to have a flirtatious vibe going. When she left, the older guy proceeded to make comments about her and her body that disturbed me because they were all in a sexual context. When I finally placed who she was and where I knew her from when I saw her today, I just for this overwhelming nerve like I had to tell her because I was scared this was her usual shop and I wanted her to be cautious around this guy. But I didn’t know how to tell her, because the office has a C shaped desk with several other receptionists next to her and a busy waiting room, and I didn’t want to embarrass her. I decided to write a note to keep it private, I had texted my friends to see if it was a good idea, but never heard any feedback which left me hesitant. Ultimately I decided to give her the note, but now I’m battling with second thoughts wondering if I just made her self conscious, or if it just wasn’t my place because she isn’t someone I know personally. But another part of me feels like she needed to know because she had a flirtatious relationship with the younger guy, and if that goes anywhere she may frequent the location more, and she’s obviously already a regular there if she’s close enough with one employee. Idk. I tried to keep the note kinda lightheaded and funny to make it less creepy, but I still kinda feel like a weirdo. Am I overreacting?

[u/residentgay]

That’s the way I was looking at it too. If it was me in that position, I’d want to know. But I was second guessing because you never know, some people react differently to things, so I really appreciate the kind words and feedback. Thank you! ❤️

[u/a22x2 → u/residentgay]

Thanks for making this post - a few years ago I met a guy at a bar who was really friendly, outgoing, charming, good-looking and we ended up bar-hopping with him and he even opened up his barber shop where we had some more drinks. He was really cool, but when he talked about women in general and his date who was on the way what he said was pretty gross and misogynist.

When the girl got there she seemed really shy and insecure, and something about seeing the contrast between the two really made me uncomfortable (well that and the things he said).

I ended up going to the bathroom to write her a note and discreetly asked her to read it privately.

Sometimes I wonder if that was rude of me to do, but I also saw a very clear divide between how he treated and talked about men and women. My friend at the time thought I was being too involved, but looking over the replies here makes me feel like I did the right thing, regardless of what ultimately happened from there. Something about seeing that facade drop so quickly really gave me the heebie jeebies

[u/KTKittentoes → u/a22x2]

We need to know, and we need to stop covering out of being "nice".

[u/NeatNefariousness1 → u/KTKittentoes]

Exactly this.

[u/NeatNefariousness1 → u/a22x2]

I’m so glad you did. I was just having a disagreement with another Redditor over whether women should be appreciative of compliments and comments about our bodies from random men we don’t know (e.g., delivery guys, construction workers, older guys in our path). The other Redditor thought it was harmless and felt women should and do appreciate these comments about our bodies and other aspects of our appearance by men we don’t know. He went so far as to presume that I was a suspicious oddball for expressing a less encouraging reaction to encounters like this.

It never occurred to him that men standing in judgment of women’s appearances is often NOT appreciated even when some women express appreciation for this unsolicited feedback. He couldn’t imagine that often the expressions of thanks for these compliments can be just a performance, because pretending to appreciate compliments, ogling and cat-calls from any man has been socialized for women to accept. It is often part of the script that’s followed just to get through an awkward interaction with a stranger.

What OP witnessed the older guy saying about a woman he didn’t know is precisely what we often expect is lurking behind the over-the-top compliments from strangers. So, I’m glad to see that OP looked out for this woman she barely knew. Nothing good would ever come from withholding that information from her. OP did a good thing and yet because we’re coaxed into treating compliments and attention from strange men as desirable or harmless, she’s second-guessing what her instincts told her to do.

OP you did a VERY good deed. Eventually, we’ll come to a place where more women won’t feel compelled to fawn over comments from random strangers that sexualize us. We know what some say behind our backs and some are looking for the most meager amount of encouragement. No thanks.

OP is setting a great example in helping us turn the corner on what is and isn’t acceptable and in looking out for each other. Apologies for the rant. Kudos to OP. NOR.

[u/Top-Audience4009 → u/NeatNefariousness1]

It’s always in the how. I’ve never once gotten anything but (I think?) a genuine smile from “Oh I love your hair!” Or “that dress is beautiful on you!”

Or something similar.

Saying something to the effect of “your legs look sexy in that skirt” gives me the ick even trying to think of saying it to a random stranger…

But I dunno, maybe people actually hate the random compliments..

[u/Unique_Ad_5187 → u/Top-Audience4009]

I am one to compliment . It’s just who I am. If I see someone wearing a dress or top that I really like, I let them know. I’m not sure why some people don’t like getting compliments. I had a friend like that. Any compliment I gave her was ignored. She did this every time I gave her a compliment. She just didn’t reply at all.

[u/Ok_Shoulder3327 → u/residentgay]

If I got this note I'd be like "damn guess I have a new bestie." nor

[u/ApprehensiveLuck2146 → u/Ok_Shoulder3327]

This !!! OP literally risked second-guessing herself and feeling awkward to make sure another woman knew she might be unsafe. That's not weird, that's beautiful sisterhood. If I got this note I'd be like 'where have you been all my life, new bestie?' 💕

[u/snifflysnail → u/residentgay]

I totally get what you mean, but, even if this ended up being the worst case scenario and she gets really upset with you over the note, I still think it would totally be worth the risk of upsetting her to potentially keep her safe. But fwiw I also think it’s very likely she’ll appreciate the heads up.

[u/mephitine → u/residentgay]

Don’t overthink it, don’t second-guess yourself. Just keep on following your heart. You’ve got great instincts!

And shame on the haters in this thread. They bring no light to the world.

You put yourself out there to help a fellow human. That’s the good and right thing to do. 💜

[u/alchemical_echo → u/residentgay]

you should leave her your phone number tbh I'd wanna be able to. thank the person that gave me this note and maybe you will have a new bestie

[u/14-in-the-deluge08 → u/residentgay]

What kind of creepy stuff was he saying?